30 before 30: Change My Job Situation

Last month I applied to another job. For nearly the past two years, I had been looking for and applying for jobs off and on. I had started to become discouraged. I'd apply for a job and either never hear from them or get an interview and then never hear from them. 

It's a hard cycle to constantly be in.

So when I applied to this job, I was like, "Well, I did what I could do, time to move on." 

Then I received an email requesting a phone interview. That seemed to go pretty well. That night I got called to set up an in person interview. Two days later--nervous as all getout--I had my in person interview.

And I totally bombed it. Seriously. I started my interview with "I'm just really nervous . . ." which I'm pretty sure is number 2 on the list of interview don'ts, closely following "Don't wear sweatpants". And I felt that every answer I gave was wandering and tangential, and worst of all, WAY too long. I found myself thinking "Shut up. Stop talking now." This all means that I left the interview feeling pretty sure I wasn't going to get the job. And completely exhausted because of how nervous I had been all day.

I sleepwalked through the weekend, trying to forget, but having to relive it whenever someone asked how my interview had gone. And then Monday I was asked to come in for a third interview. That completely blew the socks off me. 

Tuesday I went in, and left with an unofficial job offer! What the what?!

In two days time, I will start my new job as an Editor, course of study for the College of Healthcare Professionals at Western Governors University.

ACK!

:)

Update: Timing

Timing sucks.

The past couple of years I have felt like I've been on a different clock than everyone else. Like, I'm off Daylight Savings while everyone else is on so I'm always running an hour behind. And then I'm on it when everyone is off, so I'm always an hour ahead (or would it be the other way around?). This isn't always a bad thing, not at all, but it's more strongly felt when it is.

You know all the stuff I've been through the past year--well, up until I just seemed to drop off the face of the planet and never wrote an update. You know about the bad timing that came with applying to grad school, and the bad timing with my previous job. You also know about my good timing when it came to finding a job after only a month of being unemployed--I had been expecting being unemployed for at least three months.

The four months that I've been working have been good timing. I came in at the right time, just when things started to build in the company, and just in time to prove my worth in order to start getting more responsibility and maybe move up.

I moved last month and that was good timing. It's a little cheaper, and in a house, which is nice.

I had bad timing a couple of weeks ago when I rushed out of the house to get to work and ended up getting in a car accident that totaled Perry. It wasn't my fault, and there were no injuries, but one of my first thoughts was that if I hadn't rushed so much, if I had left the house even a few seconds later, I would have gotten to work fine. And I wouldn't have had to deal with all the stress of talking to insurance and getting a new car (and getting things fixed on the new car). I wouldn't have dealt with the physical manifestations of that stress like sore muscles and a clenched jaw. I think for the moment I'm done though--once I get it registered. It started off pretty rocky, but I think Alfie's and mine relationship will get stronger as we go on.

I've had good timing when it comes to Baby E. Sis, Bro-in-law, and Baby E just moved back here, and I've been able to see Baby E's curiosity and her growth. She's a little mimic, and catches on to things so quickly that it seems like she's changing all the time. I'm glad that I get to spend this time with her.

And then there's bad timing when I finally get to the point when I can put myself out there and want to reconnect with someone and try to give it another go, but I missed the opportunity. Or maybe the timing was always off for us. It's hard when someone being happy means losing a friend and a hope.

I know that the way I plan things, or the timing I want to have, doesn't really matter in this huge plan that God has for me. But it's hard to put trust in Him and not just think that I'm the one that's messing everything up. Because I truly believe that if I keep on trying to do all the things I'm supposed to, and if I keep following the good thoughts that come into my head (even if they seem to turn out badly . . .) then God won't forsake me. He would never leave me on my own. His strength is the strength that I need most in my life, especially when I feel my strength leaving me.

There is nothing wrong with my timing being off. It just means that my life is part of this clock of humankind, the clock that really keeps the whole world turning and going.

New Job, a Week in Review

I'm so tired. What is it about starting something new that makes one exhausted?

I started my new job on Tuesday. Leading up to that day I was starting to have serious doubts about my ability to actually do the job I was hired to do. Does anyone else feel like that before starting a job? That you are going to completely fail? I had to remind myself of several things, including: that I'm a college graduate, I have three and a half years experience in my field, and I'm an intelligent person who can learn new things.

Everything was fine, once I got to work. As it always is. I spent the morning going through company standard operating procedures, then I got to work in the afternoon! The rest of the week has been me continuing on that work and basically settling in. The work is consuming, but to tell the truth, it can be a little boring. The company I work for is an e-learning website, and I've been going through the questions at the end of a computer certification course. There's nothing that makes you feel more stupid than editing something you don't understand. The thing is, you don't necessarily have to understand what you're reading in order to edit, but it's more interesting if you do. I have started picking up what certain words mean, etc., but it's not the most riveting of reads. But it's work, and it's in my field, and who knows, maybe I'll actually learn something.

At first I felt a little bit awkward. There are only four of us on the team, and it seemed strange to suddenly join such a small group of people--I wasn't quite sure how I would fit in. And then it was so quiet! It amazed me that no one took even ten minutes to have a conversation that wasn't about work. It blew my mind that someone could go eight hours, five days a week, and not ever have a conversation. My mind changed today when I had a pretty good conversation with two of my coworkers. I think I'm going to be okay. I guess I'll see in the coming weeks. It's good work, honest work, and I think I'm going to be able to do it just fine.

I just need some sleep first . . .

The Adventure of Getting a New Job

It's no secret that I've been needing to find a new job. I found out a year ago that my position was going to be downsized at my last job, and I've been looking on and off since then. Off because of the time needed to study for the GRE and apply to grad school (which, if you'll remember, I wasn't accepted too) and for general mental health. Looking for a job is a tiring and emotional process full of a lot of downs and not very many ups.

In this year I had only had one interview. One. In twelve months. I had also been invited to take two tests. So last Wednesday when I applied for two jobs that were miraculously in my field, I wasn't expecting to hear anything for a couple of days, if ever. Two hours after hitting "submit" on one of those jobs, I got a phone call. Which led to an interview the next day. At the end of which I was offered the position and asked to come back that afternoon to work for a few hours. 

I'm pretty sure I was in shock the entire weekend. 

I'm working on the production team of a company based in another state that makes training videos and materials. There are about four of us in the office--it's pretty tiny. When I officially start next week I will be an editorial assistant, mostly working with the questions at the end of the courses. I think. I totally understood it when it was explained to me but now I'm not so sure. 

What I'm doing for a few days this week is helping with the filming of some of the videos. This means I push the record button on the camera. College degrees, people! They come in handy!

Just kidding. I'm glad to be working in my field and having some money coming in instead having to use all my savings. That's a blessing. And you never know! I might actually like it here. Time will tell. 

I just want to thank everyone who have been supportive during the last year, who prayed for me, and helped me along my winding path. 

And so began the days of my unemployment . . .

Yesterday was my last day of work until I get hired someplace else. I thought that yesterday would be harder than it was--not that it wasn't hard . . . perhaps I mean I thought it would be more emotional than it was. And as I was thinking this over I think it's because I had a year of emotions already: crying and anger and peace and doubt. The past six months went by really fast, and all of a sudden I was in my last three days and I didn't quite know what to do with myself.

I think the hardest part was that not everyone was aware that I was leaving, or if they were, they didn't know that it wasn't exactly my choice. Which means that I had to explain it a lot, and I wasn't really sure how. The second hardest part was that inevitable question: "What are you doing next?" To which the only answer I had was "I don't know." Someone asked me that and then sent me an email apologizing for it. I responded and said that it was no big deal, I knew that people just cared and wanted to know. I was surprised when I received a response back and she said that I had a really positive attitude.

Here's the thing: I don't really feel like I have a choice.

What is a bad attitude going to do? It's not going to help me find a job; it's not going to get my job back. That's not to say that I haven't ever had a bad attitude over this because I have. It's to be expected, it's part of the grieving process. But when people are curious and care about you, what is having a bad attitude going to do but push them away? There are times when I don't want to talk about it because lately it seems like that's all I ever talk about and nothing has changed, but if I politely tell someone that I don't want to talk about it, they understand.

Anyway, to keep myself occupied until I get a new job, I've been trying to come up with some things to keep me busy and occupied. Of course, I'll be cleaning and organizing, etc. (I joked yesterday that I'm basically becoming a housewife but without the other income . . .) I'll also be working on my writing, and I have this crazy idea about working on my penmanship. I've never really liked my handwriting and I guess after working with 19th century documents, I want to have a pretty script. I have this idea that I just want to be this fancy person--a cute little writing desk, fountain pens, leather journal, wax seal (this has come true--I got one from the editors for a farewell gift!), etc. Sooo, basically I want to be someone who lived before the 1940s (which is when the ballpoint pen was invented).

Anyway, here are to the days of my unemployment, may they not last long.

All That Can Happen

I was just sitting here on my couch, playing games and generally wasting time, when I started thinking about where I was last year. And I realized how much can change in 364 days--and how much can stay the same. In one way last June seemed a lifetime ago, and yet it also seems like it all just happened last week.

This time last June I was on my first solo vacation to Prince Edward Island. Everything seemed to be going pretty well. I had a job I loved, though only part time, but it would work while I was finding a more full time position. I had enough money to go on vacation which had never happened to me before. My roommate and I were getting along great. Everything seemed to be just as it should be.

Fast forward to today. I have 8 days in the next three weeks at my job, with, as of this post, no job lined up yet. I had gone through the whole process of applying for a graduate school with that ending with a rejection letter. Still loving M and living with her. And I am more confident--I mean I'm still shy, introverted, and a bit awkward, but I finally got some help with stuff going on with me and I feel better about myself and others around me. I've made some good memories this last year: becoming an aunt in July, going to my first con in April.

Life is really just a series of ups and downs. Okay, yes, so I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life at the moment, but while I've only been working three days a week I've been able to write a lot more (though I'm in the middle of a writer's block on my novel right now, but you know, it happens). My niece might be two states away, but I've got FaceTime to talk to her with. I was talking to someone in our ward a couple of weeks ago, we'll call him Trendsetter, and I mentioned a little bit about not getting into grad school and me losing my job. I'm pretty sure Trendsetter is one of those people who always sees the positive and he said, "So, you could do anything? That's really exciting."

At the moment, my brain was screaming out in anxiety, "No, it's really not!" When faced with everything, all I want is a narrower choice. When faced with everything, how can you even make a choice? Pretty sure I'm not the kind of person my friends and family would call "adventurous." I don't do things very spontaneously. I like to have some sort of plan. But, I guess, in a way . . . it is a little exciting. This past year I've had the opportunity to think over what it is I want to do--career wise mostly. Do I want to stay in editing, or do something else? What is it that I'm really passionate about? How do I want to spend up to 40 hours of my week? It's hard, and sometimes I feel even more confused than I ever had before, and sometimes I feel like I've made a decision only to have it change the next.

All in all, nothing is horrible or hopeless. I have my health, I have my family, and I have my faith. With those three things, I know I'll be okay.

Memoirs of a Teenage Daycare Teacher: 7 (or possibly 8) years later

To give a 17-19 year old the care of your children probably seems ridiculous, but that's how it was. When I was 18 I could be in charge of 4 under 1s up to 28 school aged kids (6-10 year olds). I'm not sure how it was for other daycares, but the turnover rate for teachers at SBA was high, which lead me to being assigned to the 3 year olds just after my high school graduation. I don't think anyone will mistake working in a daycare as a glamorous job. I dealt with vomit, dirty diapers, scrapped knees, fights over toys, kids not eating, and illnesses that most adults don't get (including scabies, pink eye, and strep throat)--I even had snotty noses wiped on my pants. I struggled to get some kids to sleep at nap time, then spent half of those two hours cleaning up from lunch, just to have to clean up again after snack time when the kids woke up. I was a human jungle gym. I was in charge of 10-12 3 year olds on a regular basis, and I loved them. So much so that when I quit to go to college, I cried at the thought of leaving them.

So, no, my first job was not glamorous or enviable at all, but it was rewarding. Some days. A lot of time I felt like I was making up it as I went--which I probably was because I was only 18 and had very little experience with kids beyond the infrequent babysitting I had done in my early teens. I had kids with behavioral problems--probably from being sent to a daycare for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. There was a boy, 4 years old, who refused to potty train. A 9 month old who cried unless he was held. A little boy and his sister who came every day dirty--once he hadn't had a bowel movement or a wet diaper in three days. Parents who sent their kids to daycare sick, causing the other kids (and us teachers) to catch whatever it was they had. Parents who yelled at the teachers for trying to do their jobs; parents who would go to the local bar before picking up their kids.

Then there were my coworkers. When I first started at SBA, I was a "closer," meaning I would do the snack dishes, then clean the bathrooms, mop the floors, vacuum, and take out the trash. The teachers were supposed to be in charge of their own rooms, but sometimes the task fell to us. One day the woman who made lunch had been going very slowly on the clean up, so when I got there at 3 I was sent to help her. She left and I ended up doing all of the lunch dishes, with only a half hour to relax before it was time to start the snack dishes. Standing at a sink for several hours was probably one of the worst days of work I had.

But not everything was horrible. It was so amazing to be so close to kids--I learned so much. Have you ever heard that we must be like a child? That is something that I learned a lot about while working at SBA. Children are so forgiving. I would have someone tell me I was mean and then five minutes later he was hugging me. Children are loving. Children are honest--sometimes brutally so, but it's really just that they will say what they think. One day I walked into my classroom and a little girl, E, came up to me and said, "You look like Cinderella!" I have to admit, I was a little confused, being brunette whereas Cinderella is blonde. Then the other teacher said, "It's the ribbon in your hair." I had put in a blue ribbon that morning! Of course, then there was the one time that I was wearing a high waisted shirt and one of the kids asked if I were pregnant. And then the time when I was told that I needed a boyfriend, because I was "old enough." I was 18. The kids also loved helping. They would help their friends, and me. When I was a closer, I would frequently get the help of one little girl, who wanted to wash the dishes, and get the trash, and vacuum. It's always nice to have a little someone to talk to. There was always a plethora of hugs and kisses. There is really nothing like feeling tiny arms around your neck.

The day after my high school graduation, my boyfriend broke up with me. In an e-mail. It was a pretty hard time, but I went to work everyday and did what I needed to. I wasn't taking any breaks because I knew that if I did I would just break down and wouldn't be able to go back to work. If work is good for anything, it's good for helping you forget yourself for a little while, especially at a daycare. One day near the end of the week, we were taking the kids out to afternoon recess, but first we made a stop at the bathrooms. Not all of our kids were completely potty trained yet, so I had to take one of them, R, back to the classroom to change her diaper while another teacher took the rest of the kids. R's mom had just arrived, and was watching while I completed this task--which is unnerving, and also a little strange. She got upset about the way I did something, and in a huff said, "I'll just do it myself!" It wasn't a big deal, but it was enough to break the dam and despite my best efforts I started to cry. I was told to take a break, so I went into our empty classroom and had a good cry. When the kids came in, they found me, and little A (one of my favorites--even though I know you aren't supposed to have favorites), gave a soft little, "Hey . . ." He just let me hug him, and I really did feel better. Parents are probably the worst part about working child care--worse than all the diapers and vomit. E's mom was especially intimidating: tall, blonde, power woman. I know it's unfair, but I frequently thought "If you don't like the way I'm raising your kids, then stay home and raise them yourself!"

Another thing about working at the daycare is that there was always something funny to tell. The kids would come up with their own jokes (none of which made any sense), or they would just laugh. The laughter of children is infectious. Then, of course, there were the times the kids didn't know they were being funny. I had to open the classroom cupboard up once, and C saw some candy that had been put in there. He proceeded to try and convince me for 10 minutes that the candy belonged to him. "But Miss Widanee!" he'd protest. "My mom brought it from home!"

The summer after my freshman year at university, I went home and worked at SBA again, to earn money for the study abroad I was applying for. That summer was pretty hard. I woke up really early in the mornings to be there when it opened and I usually worked overtime. It was actually really nice to see the kids get dropped off. There was one little boy who had a hard time with his mom leaving, but we finally got to the point where she would just hand him to me and he'd be fine. This same little boy would sometimes sit with me during my lunch break while I worked on homework for my online class. If he didn't, he wouldn't sleep and would cry and wake up the other kids. During the month of July we had all of the school age kids there all day long. Twenty-eight 6 to 10 year olds. That's where I spent most of my summer and it was hectic. We tried to come up with enough activities and field trips to keep them interested, but when it's too hot most days to play outside, and they have to be quiet for two hours to keep from waking the babies up, it's pretty hair raising. The best day of that summer was when we took the school kids to the zoo. Not only did I get paid to go to the zoo, but I was only in charge of three kids instead of 28. And the three I had were some of the most well behaved ones. We ate popsicles, saw the bird show, and rode the train. I like the zoo, but it is so much more fun when you go with kids!

When I wasn't with the school kids, I usually gave the other teachers their breaks, which meant I got to spend time with all the ages. The baby room was fun, because you just got to hold babies, or play with them on the floor. I got pretty good at holding a baby in one arm and making a bottle with my free hand. The next room up, with the 1 year olds, was nice because they were starting to talk and discover the world outside of themselves. One of the older girls in this room once started "races". "1 . . . 2 . . . 10," she'd say, then run across the room. The other kids caught on pretty well. Then there were the 2/3 year olds. They talk and understand a lot more, but still don't quite get the concept of sharing. It's really about this age that they start seeming like "little people." They are so excited to go to the "potty," and do grown up things.

The 3/4 year olds have, usually, been potty trained, which is nice. They can follow instructions better, and are more willing to help. The 4/5 year olds are amazing. I spent quite a bit of time in this room as the principle teacher for about half a summer. After recess we'd sit and read a story and then be able to have a discussion based on the story. One discussion we talked about what they wanted to do when they grew up. It was fun to tell their parents that they wanted to be a nurse like their mom, or a rockstar. One even said she wanted to be a teacher like me! At this age they still took naps, but it was easier to get them all asleep than the younger ages. Basically, it was just fun to see the changes in age, and to watch the kids grow up.

The kids I used to take care of are now between 7 and 17. That's crazy. I don't know where any of them are, what they're doing. Sometimes I think of them and hope that their lives turned out well. Thanks for allowing me this little walk down memory lane. I only wish I could give you a "where are they now" snippet.

Hey all. So, I made it through the first week of my new schedule. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it was a kind of stressful week. It's weird to have two extra days of not going to work--it kind of makes you feel a little bit useless. Especially as I am a single adult without very many responsibilities besides going to work.

To make myself feel a bit more useful, I've decided to organize! It wasn't really a conscious decision, more like I started cleaning the kitchen last Monday and then felt that I just couldn't do it until I organized! I spent the afternoon trying to find shelves for our pantry, and then putting those shelves together, putting things on those shelves in some kind of orderly fashion, and then I could clean the kitchen. I am now looking into a spice turntable to organize our spices, then I'll clean out my closet. Exciting times.

I think M might have wondered if I'd gone a little crazy, since we'd gone over a year without an organized pantry or spice shelf. But now I have the time, and it's something to do other than sitting around and pinning things on Pinterest all day.

The week was stressful for a mix of reasons. The change in my routine, then I was "exiled" to a cubicle on the opposite end of the floor from the rest of the staff. And with only three days of work, I feel like I won't be able to get as much done, since I'm trying to put five days of work into three now. I had a talk with my manager and we discussed how I should go about doing my work. It involves me having to let some things go before they are complete, in order to get a larger quantity done in the next six months. That's hard for me, because I want to see everything through, but I understand why it has to be so.

I also came to the conclusion this last week that it really is time for me to move on from the project. I've kept trying to get a full-time job there, and I've just realized that one of the reasons I'm not getting them is because it's not right for me. Coming to this conclusion doesn't not mean I have accepted it yet, though! It's hard to not have any idea what's going to be happening in the next few months. Especially when I felt so good about being at the project when I first started, and then a year and a half ago when I got my part-time position. I was talking to my bishop this week, and we were talking about paths and that sometimes we are lead down a certain path just to come to a dead end, but that doesn't mean that you weren't supposed to walk it in the first place. It's just hard to have all these paths in front of you, but you aren't able to see them. Then yesterday in church, I felt like all the talks were about kind of the same thing. And then the hymn was "Lead Kindly Light." Weird how everything just kind of fits together like that.

On Friday, to "celebrate my first Friday off" my parents took me to see Frozen. I'm not sure, but I kind of feel like my mom knew that I was going to have kind of a hard time last week when she suggested it.  That was a fun movie to do have. I also got a few text from my friends at work, so I know that I'm missed! Then Saturday, the Boy Next Door (I'm not being coy, facetious, or aloof with this name. He literally lives next door) invited me to see The Book Thief with him. That was a good crying movie. I will say this, the movie was beautiful and moving and heartrending. But the book, in my opinion, is more so. I really believe the book is one of the best pieces of literature of the past ten years and everyone should read it. With a box of tissues.

So, while the week was a bit stressful, the weekend was nice. Though by Sunday night, I was EXHAUSTED. M and I watched two movies because we didn't feel like moving from the couch. Here's to a better week this week!

A Change in Routine

Hello everyone. Today is the first day of my new schedule, which is a little weird. For now until whenever I find another job (either part time or full time) I'll be at work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, leaving me to my own devices on Mondays and Fridays. To keep myself from going crazy and/or feeling like a lazy, slothful person, I've come up with a schedule for those two days.

I'm going to write in the mornings (on Fridays, after I go to the temple), then I'll clean a room in the afternoons, as well as job searching/reading/journal writing/guitar playing/grocery shopping/working out, etc. The afternoons are sort of free, as long as I am doing something productive.

Today, as I said, has been a little weird. I woke up as I usually do, which confused M to no end. I just felt that if I woke up at the same time as always, and got ready for the day, then I would feel more like I was doing something more than just being lazy. This morning, I ate breakfast, read my scriptures, made some tea, and sat down with my computer to write. Today, I wrote for about two hours, working on the letter game. It just felt weird, sitting down on my couch at 7:30 instead of arriving at work. I'm wearing jeans instead of a dress. Everyone else in the complex was going to work and school, and I was here in my apartment.

When M got home from her class, she asked me if it felt like a Monday. In a way it does, but in a way it doesn't. It doesn't quite feel like a Saturday though, either. Saturdays are lazy, with me sleeping in and not getting dressed for a long time, then I read or watch TV. I also don't feel overly distracted, which surprises me. I think this has to do with the schedule I created: yes, there are dishes in the sink, but I have time set aside for dealing with that, so I don't have to worry about it at the moment. We'll just have to see how it goes from here.

Dreamland and Other News

These past two weeks I have been having some weird dreams. Have you ever had a series of dreams that are all related to each other? That even take place in the same "dreamland"? The majority of my dreams always did seem to take place in the same world my brain created, but not it has shifted to something much worse.

School.

Yes, I have been having school dreams. The school is a strange amalgam (sidebar: I love that word and try to use it whenever I can) of my high school and BYU. And for some reason I am taking art and math classes. But I can never find my classes, and I've forgotten my schedule, don't know my locker number or combination, and then there are all these people from high school or TV shows/movies I watch. Basically, they aren't the most comfortable of dreams.

Anyway, in other news.

I've decided to take the GRE. I'm looking into grad schools, but I haven't really decided if that's what I should do, but since the GRE lasts for a few years, I decided I should take it, and maybe even apply to a program or two and see what happens.

This has been about 6 months in coming. I received news that I would need to find a new job by the end of the year, which was heartbreaking but at the same time I knew that it is best for me. I'd been feeling for a while that I should start looking for a new job, but something would happen, and I would just brush the feeling away. But, here's the thing, Heavenly Father doesn't give up. In a way, I feel that everything that led up to me having to be let go (which no one really wanted that, but things happen and departments need to downsize) was really just God being like "Okay, Whitney, you wouldn't listen to me before, so now I'm forcing you into it. It's really for your own good." There was definitely some comfort in that, until I started looking for a job.

At first it seemed that I had a lot of options. I even applied for a great, entry-level position. But I kept getting turned down because other applicants had more experience and higher education. Which kind of got me started thinking about going back to school. And now I'm only coming across part-time jobs, even though I've broadened my search terms. The only thing I know is that I want to work with books, in some way or another; they are my passion.

This past week or two I've been thinking more and more about getting my MFA. Maybe it's because of these school dreams I've been having, or maybe because Roommate M has decided to go to grad school, but whatever it is, it's a different path I'm looking down. I feel as though the paths are dark and winding, and I have no idea of which I should go down or where they will lead. But maybe opening myself up to going down different paths, one will become more clear.

Growing up I never thought I would get my master's. That was back in the days when I thought I would be married at 21 and be having kids. My senior year of college, that thought changed. I found out about a creative writing MFA, and I became really interested in doing that. But even then I thought that I would do it once I had a job (hopefully one that would help pay for it), or maybe even years down the road. To be thinking about it at this stage in life is not what I was expecting, even though I know I should stop expecting things to happen when I think they should.

The good news is that my work has decided to keep me on (with reduced hours) until next June, or I find a job. I'm so grateful for them to be willing to help me and give me a lot of time to find something. They have even been working with me to sharpen my skills by giving me different tasks, and telling me about any job opportunities they know of. General Minion, my mentor, has even offered to help me on the GRE, and listens to me when I get down because I can't find a job. She was the one who proposed keeping me on for another 6 months, and she has sent me job listings I qualify for. It's been stressful, and it's been hard, and sometimes it makes me wonder about my talents and whether or not I have what it takes, but there are so many people in my life who are there to support me and to give me encouragement. Everyone goes through this at least once, right? It's just my turn and I know things will be better for it--if only I knew when!

Spring Time Blues and Tender Mercies

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it seems that every year around this time, I have a little bit of a break down. It's so weird, the littlest thing can set me off. When I was in school, I thought it was because it was the end of semester and I was just mentally exhausted. But thinking it over, I think it's more that after going through the long winter, you have a week or two of Mother Nature teasing warm weather and sunshine before she takes it all away and it's back to snow and cloudy skies.

Anyway, it sucks. It kind of makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I'm up and down, crying over every little thing--or nothing. My thoughts become irrational, every insecurity comes up, and I can't fight them off. I feel like I need to stay away from people so they don't get frustrated at my bad mood, but really a lot of times it's being around someone that I need that helps. Not a lot of people, but just one other person.

Last week, I went into my closet to cry (in order to prevent roommate M from hearing me) and I was thinking about all those stories you read about in church magazines, and hear in testimony meeting about how someone was having a bad day or they were sick and there was a knock on the door. When they open the door, standing there is someone from their ward, who just "had a feeling" that they needed to stop by. And I just couldn't help thinking, "Why doesn't God ever send someone for me? Why doesn't anyone ever feel like they need to see how I'm doing?" After I got myself under control and had gotten ready for bed, M comes in to say hi (she'd been late coming home and had been on the phone). She asks how my day was, and, since I can't really hide my feelings (hence that not wanting to be around people), she could tell it hadn't been very good. We have a little chat about what had happened, and as she's leaving, she just said, in passing, "I'm glad I felt like I should come say hi." She doesn't even know what that meant to me.

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn't get back to sleep. All those thoughts of worthlessness were invading my head. And even though I had just spent five days with family, and my mom was telling me she didn't want me to leave, I just couldn't believe that anyone loved me. I felt friendless and about three inches tall. There had been a quick visit to the closet, but I just couldn't bring myself under control. I laid in bed crying, whispering "stop it, stop it, stop it." I just wanted to stop thinking those things, because I knew they weren't true. Eventually I either tired myself out enough, or Someone was able to calm my mind, but I fell asleep. This morning, I still just wasn't feeling great--partly because I was exhausted. As I was doing my hair and make-up this morning, I get a text from M (who had already left for school): "I heated up some water for you. ... I love your face! Have a good day!" Which is exactly what I needed. Someone to do something nice for me (heat up water for my lemon-honey tea I drink in the morning), and to tell me that they loved me and cared how I was. As far as I know, M has no idea about my tumultuous night.

And work helped. Work always helps, which is amazing to me. Sometimes working fulltime can be tough and frustrating and I just think about all the things I'd rather be doing. But the thing I've noticed about work, is how much it actually helps me. I stay busy and focused on the tasks I need to complete, so I don't have time to worry too much about me.

So, maybe my stories aren't Ensign worthy. It wasn't one of those stories where it's just a completely random person received revelation that I needed them. God knew that I probably wouldn't have taken advantage of it, even if I felt like I wanted it, because I don't share things with close friends, let alone strangers. But the thing is, there was someone in my life who did something she thought was completely normal, but meant so much to me. Hopefully I've cried myself out and cleansed all my emotions (who am I kidding, I still feel a bit weepy). The weather is supposed to get warmer, and M and I are heading to St. George this weekend for my birthday, so that should help to. I think I just need to get away and clear my head.

I'm not sharing this because I'm looking for validation or pity. But, I appreciate reading the blogs of my friends who are honest about things--things that aren't perfect in their lives. And I think that the five of you who read this know that I'm not perfect. (Which, you probably already know.) And to just share in the fact that we all have hard times that we have to work though, even if they are irrational and caused by the weather.

Updates, Updates Everywhere

First, a sad update. I applied for a full-time position at work, but wasn't considered for an interview. At first I was pretty upset about this, and had a little bit of reflection on where I want to be and how to get there, and even wondered if editing was the right path for me. But once I had some time to think, and I met some of the candidates for the position, I realized that I really didn't have the education and experience to help me compete against other candidates. And I also realized that I needed more diversity in my work, including opportunities to use my editing skills. So I asked for it, and my supervisors/managers have been very good at finding a few projects here and there to give me that diversity and practice. So, good and bad there.

In good news, I'm fulfilling one of my New Year's Resolutions! Yes, I am going to Canada!! Prince Edward Island, to be exact. My plane tickets are all paid for, I've got my hotel reservations made, my car rental is set up, and I'm planning an itinerary and packing list. I don't go until mid-June, but it's exciting (and scary) to think about. I'm going by myself--a fitting tribute to Anne, I think. So, funny story, as I was writing down a rough itinerary, I realized I have FOUR days on Prince Edward Island, instead of the three that I thought I had. I was so surprised and wondered what I was going to do with that extra day! Guess it just means that I get to spend another day exploring the island! I've planned an entire day for my Anne pilgrimage--going to Cavendish and seeing the house LM Montgomery lived in while she wrote Anne, seeing Green Gables house, Lover's Lane, and hopefully seeing the Anne of Green Gables musical. The other days I just want to wander around the island and take in the beauty of it.

Let's see, what other updates can I give? My niece is still in the "unborn" stage, but I can tell I'm going to spoil her rotten. I've decided that being the only unmarried aunt by default makes me the favorite aunt. While her other aunts have their own families/children, I can devote all my love and attention on little Baby E alone. She and I are going to be buddies, I just know. I'm going to read to her from all my favorite books from the time she is born on, and I'm going to teach her how to be a geek. I get to feel her move next week when sis and bro-in-law come to visit and I'm so excited!!

So, there is a more general update on my life. I'll be writing a bit more on narrow topics, but just wanted to share a little of what has been happening in my life!

The time! The time! Who's got the time?!

Does anyone else feel that there just isn't enough time in the day to get everything done that you need to do, let alone what you want to do?

I wake up every morning, excepting Saturdays and Sundays, at 6:30. At this point in the morning, I should have gotten the 8 hours of sleep recommended. I say should because I may have had my eyes closed for 8 hours, but that does not mean that I actually slept for that long. The next forty minutes is me getting ready for the day: showering, getting dressed, making my bed, doing my hair and makeup, ending with me eating breakfast while reading my scriptures. Then it's a 20 minute drive to work.

I get to work and I'm there for about 8 hours, taking 30 minutes for lunch where I either read a book or talk to coworkers. I leave work, followed by another 20 minute drive home. Sometimes during my drive home I run errands, so I don't have to leave my apartment again.

By the time I get home, I have 5 hours to try to do all my "extracurricular" activities, as well as those things you are supposed to be doing. These include working out, making dinner, cleaning, taking time to just relax, reading, writing either on my blog or in my novel, working on my lace, interacting with my roommate, keeping up on TV, paying my bills, and at least once a week participating in some sort of activity with my singles ward. Then all of a sudden it's 9:30 and time to get ready for the next day and bed. It's almost like you can't just sit down and watch a movie anymore without feeling guilty for not doing other things. After "going" for 10 hours, you just want to sit down and not have to think or do anything for awhile. Which I like to do. But then I start feeling all guilty when I look over at my lace, or see my novel up on the back of my computer, or notice the dirty dishes in the sink. And then the weekends come and I have Saturday to go places and do errands I couldn't/didn't do the rest of the week.

Anyway, sometimes it just feels like there are all these things I need to do! But the truth is, sometimes, it's okay to come home from work and watch TV. No one has the time to do all the things we feel like we should be doing. I try to write something at least two times a week. And I'm trying to get back to working on my lace after a too long haitus, but I can do that when I'm watching TV. And I try to clean the kitchen while I'm making dinner (or whenever I get in my restless moods and just can't sit still). I think a lot of times I feel like everyone else can do all these things, plus they are married and have kids! But in reality, they all probably feel like I do, that it's just so hard to get it all done in one day. We're all in this together!

End of the Week Thoughts: On Ghosts, Geekiness, and Procrastination

Ghosts

I'm pretty sure there is a ghost in the Church History Library (being my place of work). "But, Whitney," you might be saying, "how can there be a ghost in a building that's only about 6 years old?" Well, here's my theory. We've got a lot of books and documents, some of which are very old. So, my theory is that the ghost (or even multiple ghosts) came in with these very old documents, a la Tom Riddle and his diary. You're probably wondering why I have been thinking that there is a ghost at my place of work. Let me tell you. Over the past year and a few months that I have worked at the library, strange things have occurred.

One, the bathroom. Now, I'm not saying that Moaning Myrtle lives in the ladies' toilet, but someone does and who else would live in a bathroom? The automatic toilets are a little too enthusiastic about their job of flushing--unnervingly so. Also, there's this one stall that always looks like there is someone in it until you push open the unlocked door and there's no one there! Eerie.

Other evidence of at least one ghost is the strange things happening to my cubicle. I think a new ghost has moved in the past couple of months because twice in the past two months, my monitors have been moved around and generally put into a shambles, and this week my chair had been messed with! You just don't mess with a person's chair! It takes much too long to get everything back where it's supposed to be. The only thing I can think of is that it's a pranking poltergeist. And then there is the curious squeaking noise . . . but I guess that the book carts explain that one. But it's creepy!

Anyway, that's why I think there is at least one ghost in the CHL.

Geekiness

Simon Pegg once said, "Being a geek is all about being honest about what you enjoy and not being afraid to demonstrate that affection. It means never having to play it cool about how much you like something. It's basically a license to proudly emote on a somewhat childish level rather than behave like a supposed adult. Being a geek is extremely liberating."

I realized how much a geek I am about three or four years ago, and I wholeheartedly embraced it. What is geekiness anyway except being passionate about something and sharing that passion? So, in that definition, aren't we all geeks? Sport geeks, math geeks, fashion geeks, food geeks.

When I started thinking about it, I saw that I liked a lot of things considered geeky--"Star Trek," Star Wars (I'm a purist), "Doctor Who," etc. But I'm also really geeky about books, music, movies, Disney, trivia, and education. I'm not the kind of geek who plays video games (I just can't get into them. Or play them. I usually ending either running around aimlessly or killing myself my accidentally throwing myself off a ledge), and I know next to nothing about technology, science, and math. But I'm passionate, and I'm not afraid of sharing my passions--though sometimes I'm a bit more quiet about my passions than others.

Procrastination stuff

Here are some things to keep you busy when you are supposed to be busy doing something else!

The "Stuff You Should Know" Podcast. With my love of knowing random facts, this is an awesome podcast. I've linked to it before, but it's worth linking to again, because it's awesome. Just this week I learned about Barbie, Bigfoot, and Christmas traditions. I've also learned about black holes, lobotomies, the muppets, vampires, why leaves change colors, and Stockholm syndrome. Seriously interesting.

The Lizzie Bennet Diaries. This is a new web series by Hank Green which updates Pride and Prejudice. My roommate and I love it! There is a new video every Monday and Thursday, and they are about 4 minutes long. There are also a few videos done by Lydia Bennet, and Maria Lu. The really cool thing about this series is not only is it a great exploration of a relatively new form of media, but it also uses other social media to make a complete story! Each character has a twitter account, and a facebook. I went on Darcy's twitter, and his sister's GiGi's, yesterday and it was fun to get a different view of them. Even though I don't get twitter. Seriously, when it comes to twitter I'm like your 80-year-old grandma trying to figure out how to turn on an iPad. Can you really only see one side of a conversation when looking through someone's twitter account? That seems annoying. But I digress. Check out The Lizzie Bennet Diaries.

Vlogbrothers. This is the vlogs of brothers John Green and the aforementioned Hank. John Green is a YA novelist that I discovered last year when I read his amazing book The Fault in Our Stars. Then I read Paper Towns and An Abundance of Katherines. All are fun, interesting, thought provoking books, with scenes that make you laugh out loud. And that is what these vlogs are like too. There are over a thousand videos going as far back as 2007. At first I just jumped around watching random videos, but then I realized that the videos tell more of a story than anything else, so I started watching at the beginning of 2010. I have as yet to get out of 2010, but I am having loads of fun watching them. Also, John probably has the most ADORABLE baby ever. Oh, and these guys make me feel vastly untalented. Hank writes music, writes and directs LBD, organizes VidCon, rides horses, edits videos, is a biologist, and talks very fast. John writes novels (Printz awards! New York Times bestseller!), also edits videos, knows a lot about conjoined twins, and is a deep thinker. Plus, they have created a community (Nerdfighters) and have been encourage this community to help change lives. That's amazing! I've always said that if I could just change one life for the better, my life would be better for it. So, go on John and Hank!

And . . . I think that's enough to keep you busy for a little while at least.

12 for 2012

Instead of a "Christmas Letter" this year, I decided to do a year in review. For each month I'll recount something exciting or different that happened to me, as well as a book from that month! Cuz that's that way I roll!

January
I started the 8-week experiment! It was an interesting peek into what my future as a wife will be. ;)
Book: Austenland by Shannon Hale (this was a reread)

February
I drove into Salt Lake City for the first time, which made me so nervous, which is funny to think about because I do it everyday now and it's no big deal.
Book: A Town Like Alice by Nevil Shute

March
I went to see Vocal Point live for the first time! Great night out with the fam!
Book: Everneath by Brodie Ashton (Utah author! Support local artists! [Unless you aren't from Utah, then she isn't a local artist, but you should support local artists wherever you are. And still feel free to read this book.])

April
I went to the Oquirrh Mountain Utah Temple! It was great to have my entire family there with me.
Book: The Fault in Our Stars by John Greene

May
My friend Michael Ann did a craft month and I did it along with her! It taught me that I can be crafty.
Book: Persuasion by Jane Austen (I was grinning like a fool on the train while reading the ending to this!)

June
The JSP asked me to stay on part-time!
Book: Shane by Jack Schaefer (my first western!)

July
I bought my first car! His name is Perry.
Book: Bellfield Hall, or, the Observations of Miss Dido Kent by Anna Dean

August
I took Perry and bro and we headed down to California for a week to visit the sis and bro-in-law. Great vacation! I got to go to San Francisco, which was definitely a highlight.
Book: The Sweetgum Knit Lit Society by Beth Patillo

September
I did a no spend month in September. It was a good exercise in self control! I should do it more often.
Book: I am the Messenger by Markus Zusak

October
I had a pretty rockin' Halloween costume!
Book: Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (my Banned Books Week book this year)

November
I moved out of my parents' basement! That was HUGE! Probably the hugest thing I've done in the past two years!
Book: I started rereading the Tortall books by Tamora Pierce (Song of the Lioness quartet, The Immortals quartet, Protector of the Small quartet, and the two Trickster books).

December
I can't think of anything really huge happening this month, except Christmas!
Book: I'm very excited to get Princess of the Silver Wood by Jessica Day George. It's her new book in the Twelve Dancing Princesses series and this one is supposed to be better than the second (Seriously, read the first book, Princess of the Midnight Ball--it's AMAZING!)

Summer Update

This post is just going to be a random collection of things that have been happening to me this summer.

First up: I bought my very first car!

His name is Perry. He's a Honda Accord that I bought off my parents. :)

How is it possible that someone in her mid-twenties never had a car before? Easily answered. I never had the money before. Anyway, I bought Perry about a month ago. It's kind of weird, because I've been driving him around, especially last summer, so it still hasn't hit me that he's really and truly actually mine. (Though the new battery I had to put in him helped a little bit!)

I still ride TRAX to work, so I still get all those adventures! In fact, I learned something this last week. If I leave work 5 minutes early, I get home 20 minutes early. Not bad, right? On Friday, I was on my ride home and someone came and sat down next to him. Just a few minutes later he started leaning over to my side of the seat, then jerked himself back up again. I glanced over and noticed he had fallen asleep. And in the next ten minutes he kept slowly falling over to my side of the seat and then jerking back up. I'm not going to lie: I may have lightly elbowed him a couple of times.

Work is going pretty well, though the last couple of weeks have been a little stressful. We're getting right to the final deadline for one of our volumes, which means that they have asked me to help source check. The first document I source checked took me a week. And it was so frustrating! But last week I was going faster and I really think that I'm understanding where to find sources. Though I do have a doc coming up this week that I'm a little worried about. Guess we'll see! Also, one of my very good friends Melissa left the project and moved all the way across the country with her husband. We started at the project the same day as interns, and before that and sat next to each other in a class at college. The first thing I would do after coming in in the morning was walk over to her cubicle so we could go fill up our water bottles and chat about the latest celebrity news, or a book, or a movie, or a TV show we both liked. Work is going to be a lot different without her there.

A week from tomorrow, Perry and I are going on our first road trip! We're taking the bro with us and going down to CA to hang out with the sis and bro-in-law. I'm so excited to be going on vacation! I've been a bit restless lately, and with the stress at work, I just really need to get away. My last vacation was more than two years ago, so I think I'm a little over due! It's going to be about 30 degrees cooler down there than it is here, which will be super nice. And we're going to see the ocean, and big trees, and fun cities. It's all going to be great. Just cross your fingers that I can make the drive! It will be the longest that I, personally, have ever driven (I've been in the car going to CA before, but never drove), and I'm a little afraid I'll go crazy and bro will have to knock me out so we can get to CA safely!

So, I've come to realize something this summer. Being a grown-up isn't just something that happens. I keep thinking, "When I graduate college, then I'll be a grown up." "I'll be grown up when a get a job." "I'll be grown up when I buy a car, move into my own place, get married, have kids." The thing is, these are all steps of becoming a grown up. Because being a grown up doesn't just come all at once when you reach a specific milestone; you ease into it a little at a time and you learn more with each step. Which I am really grateful for! I can't imagine what it would have been like to have to learn everything at once! Especially not with everything I've had to learn lately!

So, that's just a quick little review of what's been happening with me! I'll be sure to post a few updates and pictures from my trip.

The Story of My New Job

I count myself lucky. In the year and a half since I graduated from college I have been without work for only 3 weeks. I had an internship lined up before I left BYU, had applied and taken a test for another internship before I left that one, and had my current internship lined up right after I started my second. With the economy the way it is, and how hard it is for recent grads to get a job, I count myself very lucky.

Well, at the beginning of the year, I realized that I would have to start looking for a job, having exhausted my internship opportunities. So, I started looking for listings for editors, but nothing really seemed to pop up. Finally, in March I heard about a position at the LDS Church Office Building. It is a full-time project position, meaning salary and full benefits, but only lasting for four years. After the year and a half I've had, four years seemed like an eternity! So, I applied, was called in for a test, and had an interview mid-April (which I feel like I totally bombed). I took the take home test, and turned it. That was almost two months ago and I haven't heard anything since, except that they were still interviewing. For some reason, though, I wasn't stressing. I knew my internship was coming to an end, and that I would be jobless, but there was no anxiety about finding a job.

About two weeks ago I was called into my boss's office. She told me that I could very possibly get a contract worker position with the Papers. I could work 40 hours a week, but I'd be working from home, paying my own taxes, and receive no benefits. Having loved my work at the Papers, I said I would love to do it, mostly because it would be work until I could find a job. She said that they would know for sure in a week and sent me on my way. The next week she called me into her office and said that the contract work had fallen through, but a part-time position would probably be opening up. With this position, I would be working in the office, up to 38 hours a week. I said I would love to!

That's when I realized something. I would much rather work part-time with amazing people, on a project I believe in, then work full-time with great benefits and pay in an awful atmosphere on something I don't believe in. And that's why, this morning, I accepted the part-time position at the Joseph Smith Papers Project! I start half-time (of my part-time) next week to get trained! I'm a little nervous about all the things that I need to learn, and the fact that I'll be in charge of an RA (what on earth will I give him to work on?!), but I've learned how to do jobs before, and I can definitely do it again.

I'm so excited to be able to continue work on such an amazing project, and maybe make a bit of a difference.

Train Creepering, Getting Extended, Being Tested, and Other Things

I just realized that I haven't really given a big update on what's going on in my life for a while, so, here ya go.

I'm a bit of a train creeper. Not to the creeper extreme of wanting to follow people home or discover their entire life stories, but I'm a bit of a people watcher. One of my favorite things to do is look to see what people are reading. And can I just say that my dislike of Kindles has grown because unless you are sitting right next to the person, you can't tell what they are reading! Very frustrating. Anyway. Humans being the creatures of habits that we are, I tend to see the same people on the train everyday. There's this one woman who is about 45 or 50 who reads books like Elizabeth the Queen, and this one weird one about dogs. She reads really slow too. Yes, I measure her progress. One of my favorite creeper victims is an older gentleman. The first time I ever saw him, his gray hair was down to his chin, he wore ripped jeans, and had glasses that magnified his eyes--you know, the way glasses do when they are really thick and you didn't pay to have them specially made. And if he did sit on the train, he sat with his hands under his thighs, with his torso and neck pushed forward, looking around him. The first time I started feeling a camaraderie with him, he sat across from me and Reading Lady. I looked at him and he leaned forward and peaked at RL's book. I almost laughed! Someone as interested in what other people were reading as I was.

For the past couple of months I have looked forward to seeing him. The first change was that he cut his hair a little bit. Then one day he wore a really nice pea coat. Then out came my favorite accessory of his--the Sponge Bob Square Pants Lunchbox!! Hahahaha! I hadn't seen him for about a week when I saw him yesterday. He was wearing a suit!! And his hair was cut even shorter and combed nicely back. But worst of all? No Spongebob Lunchbox! It's like I didn't even know him anymore! Today he was also wearing a suit, but at least he had a really awful tie on, so I feel that his awesome personality was still coming through.

In other news, my internship got extended until June!! I've got a bit more time to find a real job.

Speaking of real jobs, I applied for my first one last night! It's working for the LDS Church, and includes benefits. Pretty nice position actually. Well, this afternoon I got a call asking me to come in for an editing test. I'm pretty sure that everyone who applies is asked to take the editing test, as a sort of weeding out thing, but it's the next step to finding a job! If I do well on the test, I'll probably get an interview. I'm not going to stop applying, but it's a pretty good start, I think.

Also, everyone should check out my friend Melissa's blog! Not only am I going to be featured on it soon, but Melissa is an awesome person who is writing an awesome blog.

Conversation on an Elevator

I get on the elevator this morning with a man. The thing about working at the CHL is that people make conversation with you; doesn't matter if they know you or not. This most frequently happens in the elevator.

Man: Your shoes are beautiful by the way.

Me: (looking down at my awesome red heels) Thanks!

Man: I noticed them as you were walking in and I thought "those are great shoes!"

Me: (laughing slightly) Yeah, they are.

Man: (just before getting off the elevator) A girl's got to rock her shoes!

Me: It's true!

What a great way to start my day! Not only was I wearing a new dress that made me look awesome (I had my first H&M shopping trip yesterday and it was great!), but it's always nice to get complimented on something--especially your shoes!

A Conversation Overheard in a Public Place

There are just some phone calls that you shouldn't have in a place where people can hear you. Some people don't seem to realize this.

A few days ago, I went into our little research library on the JSP floor at work to look something up in a book. I didn't want to go through the effort of checking the book out, so I had my trusty post-it notes and a pencil to take notes. I walk in and one of the semester interns from BYU is in there using the microfilm machine (yes, we still use microfilm). He obviously saw me walk in. As I look through the book, he starts having a conversation on the phone. It goes a little something like this (my thoughts are in italics):

Guy: Hey, are you on your way to work? . . . Cool. So, I got those test results back.

Uh . . . is he really going to be talking about medical test results? In public? (I have no idea how I knew they were medical tests. It must have been the way he said it)

G: Yeah, it seems she didn't have a stroke. She just drank herself--

WHA?!?!

G: . . . She hydrated herself sick.

Is hydrated a euphemism for drunk?

G: Yeah, that's a lot of water.

Oh.

G: Well, she drank a glass every 10 minutes for [X] number of hours. That's like 24 cups! They just want to keep her to get her electrolytes up.

At this point in time he goes off talking about dinosaurs or something. I didn't really pay attention to much. And then, right as I was leaving, I heard this:

G: So, are you on your way to work?

Um, yeah. She told you that at the beginning of this conversation. Even I know she's on her way to work.

I'm glad that whoever this lady was didn't have a stroke, nor has a drinking problem. But I think I could have missed out on the conversation about it.