Dec 2, 2014

Update: Timing

Timing sucks.

The past couple of years I have felt like I've been on a different clock than everyone else. Like, I'm off Daylight Savings while everyone else is on so I'm always running an hour behind. And then I'm on it when everyone is off, so I'm always an hour ahead (or would it be the other way around?). This isn't always a bad thing, not at all, but it's more strongly felt when it is.

You know all the stuff I've been through the past year--well, up until I just seemed to drop off the face of the planet and never wrote an update. You know about the bad timing that came with applying to grad school, and the bad timing with my previous job. You also know about my good timing when it came to finding a job after only a month of being unemployed--I had been expecting being unemployed for at least three months.

The four months that I've been working have been good timing. I came in at the right time, just when things started to build in the company, and just in time to prove my worth in order to start getting more responsibility and maybe move up.

I moved last month and that was good timing. It's a little cheaper, and in a house, which is nice.

I had bad timing a couple of weeks ago when I rushed out of the house to get to work and ended up getting in a car accident that totaled Perry. It wasn't my fault, and there were no injuries, but one of my first thoughts was that if I hadn't rushed so much, if I had left the house even a few seconds later, I would have gotten to work fine. And I wouldn't have had to deal with all the stress of talking to insurance and getting a new car (and getting things fixed on the new car). I wouldn't have dealt with the physical manifestations of that stress like sore muscles and a clenched jaw. I think for the moment I'm done though--once I get it registered. It started off pretty rocky, but I think Alfie's and mine relationship will get stronger as we go on.

I've had good timing when it comes to Baby E. Sis, Bro-in-law, and Baby E just moved back here, and I've been able to see Baby E's curiosity and her growth. She's a little mimic, and catches on to things so quickly that it seems like she's changing all the time. I'm glad that I get to spend this time with her.

And then there's bad timing when I finally get to the point when I can put myself out there and want to reconnect with someone and try to give it another go, but I missed the opportunity. Or maybe the timing was always off for us. It's hard when someone being happy means losing a friend and a hope.

I know that the way I plan things, or the timing I want to have, doesn't really matter in this huge plan that God has for me. But it's hard to put trust in Him and not just think that I'm the one that's messing everything up. Because I truly believe that if I keep on trying to do all the things I'm supposed to, and if I keep following the good thoughts that come into my head (even if they seem to turn out badly . . .) then God won't forsake me. He would never leave me on my own. His strength is the strength that I need most in my life, especially when I feel my strength leaving me.

There is nothing wrong with my timing being off. It just means that my life is part of this clock of humankind, the clock that really keeps the whole world turning and going.