Jun 10, 2014

All That Can Happen

I was just sitting here on my couch, playing games and generally wasting time, when I started thinking about where I was last year. And I realized how much can change in 364 days--and how much can stay the same. In one way last June seemed a lifetime ago, and yet it also seems like it all just happened last week.

This time last June I was on my first solo vacation to Prince Edward Island. Everything seemed to be going pretty well. I had a job I loved, though only part time, but it would work while I was finding a more full time position. I had enough money to go on vacation which had never happened to me before. My roommate and I were getting along great. Everything seemed to be just as it should be.

Fast forward to today. I have 8 days in the next three weeks at my job, with, as of this post, no job lined up yet. I had gone through the whole process of applying for a graduate school with that ending with a rejection letter. Still loving M and living with her. And I am more confident--I mean I'm still shy, introverted, and a bit awkward, but I finally got some help with stuff going on with me and I feel better about myself and others around me. I've made some good memories this last year: becoming an aunt in July, going to my first con in April.

Life is really just a series of ups and downs. Okay, yes, so I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life at the moment, but while I've only been working three days a week I've been able to write a lot more (though I'm in the middle of a writer's block on my novel right now, but you know, it happens). My niece might be two states away, but I've got FaceTime to talk to her with. I was talking to someone in our ward a couple of weeks ago, we'll call him Trendsetter, and I mentioned a little bit about not getting into grad school and me losing my job. I'm pretty sure Trendsetter is one of those people who always sees the positive and he said, "So, you could do anything? That's really exciting."

At the moment, my brain was screaming out in anxiety, "No, it's really not!" When faced with everything, all I want is a narrower choice. When faced with everything, how can you even make a choice? Pretty sure I'm not the kind of person my friends and family would call "adventurous." I don't do things very spontaneously. I like to have some sort of plan. But, I guess, in a way . . . it is a little exciting. This past year I've had the opportunity to think over what it is I want to do--career wise mostly. Do I want to stay in editing, or do something else? What is it that I'm really passionate about? How do I want to spend up to 40 hours of my week? It's hard, and sometimes I feel even more confused than I ever had before, and sometimes I feel like I've made a decision only to have it change the next.

All in all, nothing is horrible or hopeless. I have my health, I have my family, and I have my faith. With those three things, I know I'll be okay.

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