30 before 30: Attend the Temple Once a Month

This has been a big blessing in my life, as I've taken the time to go to the temple once a month. I'm so blessed to be near so many temples, because I know there are a lot of people in the world who can only hope to attend once in their lives. This is something I'm definitely going to continue to do.

Sunday Special: Faith Needs Action

There has been something on my mind a lot lately and that's that faith takes action. It came up in Sunday School, I think when we were talking about Isaac and Rebekah, in Genesis 24. When the servant was sent to find Isaac a wife, the Lord told the servant who to choose. When Rebekah is asked if she will go back to Canaan to marry a man she has never met: "And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, Wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go" (v. 58). That took so much faith for her, but it's the action that shows how much faith she actually has.

Even though I knew about the faith=action thing before, for the time of life that I'm in at the moment it really struck me hard. So in my own personal scripture study I started noticing all the times that someone acted on their faith and what that means. 

I was IMing with my Mom about applying for jobs and why I had been so hesitant to do so. I didn't want to be rejected anymore, but really I needed to get over that and just start applying, because if I didn't I never would get a job. I can say all I want "God has a plan for me" but with out me actively searching, that plan will never come to pass. And that's what I was reading in my scripture study, that the people I was reading about were acting instead of just waiting for the Lord to provide, but they were keeping the Lord in on their plans. 

It's hard. I like having roots and just staying where I am, but that isn't possible. Some times it's better to move on, some times it is forced on you, but if you keep your faith and move forward, things will work out. Even if you are unsure how. 

Just one last thought. My mom told me this a couple of years ago and it's another thing that I have had to remember the past year: Once you make a decision, you never look back. In another part in Genesis, Lot and his wife are told to leave Sodom, and not to look back. "And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for they life; look not behind them . . . lest thou be consumed . . . But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt" (Genesis 19: 17, 26). This was a very physical consuming, but I think that it's a good metaphor for this decision making. If you keep thinking "what if" and "if I had" then you will be consumed by something you can't change. So focus on the "now" and the future. 

Sorry if that seemed kind of all over the place, but my thoughts have been making a circuitous route in my brain for a while. Mostly, act on your faith and don't look back. 

"I was never meant to fight on my own"

On My Own by Ashes Remain

There's gotta be another way out
I've been stuck in a cage with my doubt
I've tried forever getting out on my own.
But every time I do this my way
I get caught in the lies of the enemy
I lay my troubles down,
I'm ready for you now.

CHORUS:
Bring me out
Come and find me in the dark now
Everyday by myself I'm breaking down
I don't want to fight alone anymore
Bring me out
from the prison of my own pride
My God, I need a hope I can't deny
In the end I'm realizing
I was never meant to fight on my own.

Every little thing that I've known
is everything I need to let go.
You're so much bigger than the world I have made.
So I surrender my soul,
I'm reaching out for your hope
I lay my weapons down
I'm ready for you now.

CHORUS

I don't want to be incomplete
I remember what you said to me
I don't have to fight alone

CHORUS

This was my 300 post!

Sunday Special: Beauty

Spring has sprung here in Utah, and on my walk from the train to work I love looking at the green trees and the flowers everywhere and the blue sky. Because of this I've been thinking a lot about this wonderful world we get to live in and the amazing people that live in the world and I've realized something: Beauty is everywhere, but for some reason a lot of us don't acknowledge it. After wondering why this is, I have come up with two reasons why we don't see the beauty that is all around us.

First, dwelling on the ugly. There are ugly, evil, and wrong things in this world, there is no denying that. There are bad people who do ugly things, and natural disasters that destroy beauty. But, I truly believe that those are not the majority of things in this world, even though we hear about them more than anything else. What about the good people who treat everyone kindly, or work to make someone's life easier? What about blue skies, sunsets, trees, flowers, oceans, animals, beautiful architecture, art, music, books, etc.? Where is our focus?

I think it is necessary for us to know about the ugly things happening in the world, but that shouldn't be what we dwell on. I love reading those stories on Yahoo! about letters that find their destination 60 years later, or someone fighting against all the odds to fulfill their dream. I love reading about an ordinary person becoming someone's hero. I love looking at the stars at night and feeling like there is something so much more than me out there. There is a beauty that we can't even comprehend.

Second, comparisons. You always hear people say things like "There are so many more trees in Oregon--it's so brown here!" or "I wish I looked like her." or "I only date tall, dark, and handsome guys."or whatever. The thing is, beauty isn't something we can make a checklist for. There isn't one ideal of beauty and the more we compare places, people, and ourselves, to what we think of as the pinnacle of beauty, the more unhappy we are going to be. We have to learn to see something for what it is, not what it isn't. People don't go to the Grand Canyon for the forests, they go because it's beautiful in it's own way.

Here's an example. When I was in London, a Sunday School teacher at church asked those in my group what was the most beautiful thing we'd ever seen was. I answered that it was England. (They kind of gave me weird looks like, Really? This is a topic for another day though.) A couple of days ago I met a woman from England, but living in Wales, that had come to visit my grandparents. She loved Salt Lake City! She talked about how beautiful it was and that she never wanted to leave. Now, I think Salt Lake City is a really nice city, and I do think Utah is beautiful, but she had just come from Wales! She was appreciating SLC for what it was, not what it wasn't.

There is beauty in deserts, in forest, in plains, in beaches, in snow, rain, sun, tall people, short people, blue, black, and purple people, fish and mammals, cacti and trees, mountains, round people, and thin people. Find the beauty in whoever you are, whoever you meet, where ever you might be. Don't dwell on the bad things in life. Beauty is there and finding it will make you happier.

Sunday Special: Turning a Blind Eye

I have severe myopia (near sightedness). Like, horrible. Fortunately, with corrective lenses, this is only something I usually only have to be aware of for a few seconds morning and night before and after taking my contacts out. I started wearing contacts when I was thirteen, and there have been a few times since then that I have had to go back to wearing my glasses for a week or two--usually because I have lost one of my contacts and I can't very well be going around with only one good eye.

I hate wearing my glasses. The last time I lost a contact, I realized just how much I hate wearing them all the time. My eyesight is so bad that I couldn't even but on my make-up without difficulty. I had to get so close to the mirror in order to see that not only did I go cross-eyed, but I couldn't get my eyeliner pencil at the correct angle because it's about 6 inches, and I was only giving it 2 inches between the mirror and my face.

What people don't realize is that not having my contacts or glasses in doesn't make me completely blind. I can still see things, they just happen to look . . . furrier than normal. People have no individual features, but the basic shape is still there. I can still make sense of most of what is going on around me. For example the "how many fingers" game. I may not be able to see your individual fingers, but I know the basic shape a hand makes when holding up two or five fingers. I guess you can say I know what it's like to not see things clearly (literally).

Sometimes I think that we take out our "spiritual" contacts when it comes to things in this world we live in. We thinking that not seeing something clearly will make it so we don't become affected by it. We use our self inflicted blindness as an excuse; "I just ignore it when people swear" "I fast forward through that part" "I skipped those pages".

I don't know about you, but I have come to learn that I am extremely affected by the things I subject myself to. The images I see, the words I hear, the things I read. And I used to make up excuses too--I used to take out my contacts and think that fast forwarding through a scene or trying to ignore bad language made it so it didn't wear on me. I would skim through scenes in books, because that way I wasn't really ingesting it. But the thing is . . . I was. It had a major affect on me in ways I wouldn't even have thought about.

It changed the way I viewed other people, the thoughts that came to my head. And I learned that once I saw something, it was filed away somewhere, waiting to pop up what I didn't want it. It changed the way I felt.

I'm not perfect. I still make mistakes and make excuses. Sometimes I find myself with my spiritual contacts out. But I think that once I learn to view the world through my spiritual lenses, not only am I going to be better able to see the good, but I'm going to better able avoid the bad. We live in a world that perverts sex, language, relationships, freedom, morality, and even religion. But we also live in a beautiful world with wonderful advances in technology. A world that is full of good people, and good things.

In Sunday school last Sunday, my teacher said something that has stuck with me. He said, "You can't stop the birds from flying, but you can keep them from nesting in your hair." So, I'm not saying that we should stick to the scriptures as our only form of literature, or only watch Disney cartoons, and listen to hymns. I love movies and music and books. I'm saying, seek out the good in the world, whatever that may be to you. Know your own limits; know what affects you, and stay away from it.

Stop looking at the world in a haze because you turn a blind eye to everything in it. Put on your corrective lenses and see things clearly! Life is better that way.

My Title of Liberty

I know this is probably obvious from references I have made in previous posts, but I don't think I've ever come out and said it:

I am a member of The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints.

I believe in God the eternal Father, his son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. I believe that they are three separate beings with distinct roles and purposes. I believe that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have bodies of flesh and bone. I believe that I can have the Holy Ghost with me at all times, as long as I am following the commandments of God.

I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus is the God of the Old Testament and that He came to this earth as a babe, and that He suffered in the garden of Gethsemane and died on Calvary. I believe He did this for me, and for all people.

I believe that Heavenly Father still speaks to living prophets. Miracles are not just something that happened in the Bible. Prayers always get answered. These may not be the big events we read about in scripture, but they do happen.

I believe the Book of Mormon is the word of God. It testifies of Christ, and is a second witness of Him along with the Bible. ("Out of the mouth of two witnesses . . . ") I also believe that there are more records that we don't know about, because I believe that God and Jesus Christ spoke and testified to all men, of every nation. They still do.

I believe in the saving power of repentance. All of us can be forgiven. All of us have the opportunity to make it back to live with our Heavenly Father.

I believe in families. I believe in marriage between a man and a woman.

I am an American. I believe in following the law of the land as long as it is not immoral or contradictory to the commandments of God.

I believe that I chose to be sent to this earth, even though I knew the trials I would face. I believe that I have divine gifts and a divine purpose. I believe that I can receive heavenly help in completing that purpose.

I am a child of God.

Reminder for Me

Therefore, take ye no thought for the morrow, for what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, or wherewithal ye shall be clothed. For, consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they toil not, neither do they spin; and the kingdoms of the world, in all their glory, are not arrayed like one of these. For your Father, who is in heaven, knoweth that you have need of all these things. Therefore, let the morrow take thought for the things of itself.

Doctrine and Covenants 84:81-84

Sunday Special: Feeding the Flamingos

Last summer I was able to go on vacation to California. While there I visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium, where they had a special exhibit of flamingos.

Real flamingos (as opposed to the garden variety) have a beautiful bright pink color (as opposed to pepto-bismol). You might know this, but that bright pink color comes from the food they eat, which contains high amounts of beta carotene. This means that if a flamingo cannot get the brine shrimp that it usually eats, its feathers will become white or gray. Since we relate that bright pink color with flamingos, we might not even realize that that white bird is a flamingo.

So, what does this have to do with anything? Let me tell you what I've been thinking about.

In 2 Nephi 31:20 it reads: "Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father. Ye shall have eternal life."

We are kind of like flamingos. When we are feasting on the scriptures, and the words of the prophets, people can recognize us as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They realize that we are children of God because of our "color." If we stop eating what we are supposed to, not only could it be dangerous for our health, but we start losing our brilliance. People can no longer easily identify us as what we are.

We are children of a Heavenly Father. We should be showing the world our colors! We should be feasting on the word of Christ so that we will have that special "glow" that so many people have associated with us. Just as flamingos can share themselves by their brilliant colors, we should be willing to show the world what we believe.

Be like a flamingo. Don't be afraid of being pink, of being different. Our differences are what make us recognizable.

Inspiration, Prayers, and Comfort

This last weekend was General Conference, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Around this time each year I seem to just break down--emotionally and physically. I think it's a tough time of year for anyone; the changing of the seasons, finals, stress from jobs. I was grateful for the chance to leave it all behind and listen to our Prophet.

I was able to get tickets to the Saturday morning session (thanks Rochelle!). It was the first time I've ever been able to go to the Conference Center for Conference and I loved it! My parents went with me and it was wonderful to be able to be in the same room as all those great men and to hear the Choir sing live.

I was especially touched by the last song of that session, How Firm a Foundation. "Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed, for I am thy God and will still give thee aid." What a comfort to know!

Afterward my parents and I went to our favorite restaurant in Salt Lake, the Greek Souvlaki! Yummy food!

As per tradition, my Mom and I watched a chick-flik and ate Chinese food while my dad went to Priesthood session. We watched Bright Star, which tells the story of John Keats and Fanny Brawne's romance as well as Keats's death from tuberculosis at the age of 25. Definite chick movie.

While it was great to hear the prophets speak, I think the best realization that came to me this weekend is that when you pour your heart out to God, he listens and cares. He lifts you up and helps you along the way. I've noticed the difference from how I felt just yesterday and how I feel today. What a wonderful knowledge that is! That God is a loving father who cares about all my feelings and thoughts and troubles, as inconsequential as they might be. I don't ever have to worry about Him not caring, or becoming bored with me. I can always turn to Him when I need help.

And he sends comfort.

"Fear not, I am with thee. Be not dismayed, for I am thy God and will still give thee aid."

My Valentine is Better than Yours

As a single girl, sometimes it's hard to appreciate a day devoted to love. I have shared my cynical and bitter feelings in previous years. But this year, I'm taking a different view of Valentine's Day. It's still hard to go through, but I think that it being on Sunday this year has really helped me realize something: Valentine's Day is about ALL love, not just romantic and I have some pretty great valentine's.

My parents are my valentines. They always will love me, and they will always care about and for me. I realized this when I went home this weekend and my dad had gotten me a card and three balloons, in my favorite color. But, I really realize it everyday of my life. When I call home and they talk to me about whatever. When my mom reads through my papers and stories. They are my valentines 365.25 days of the year! Now, how many people can be sure that they will have the same boyfriend in a year from now?

But the best valentine that I have (and that everyone has) is Jesus Christ. Our Relief Society lesson today was on Christ as our leader and savior. Christ had so much love for me and for all the billions of people that ever have or ever will live on the earth that he suffered, died, and rose from the dead for us. Christ is always there for us--even more so than our families. He has felt our pain, our joy, our sorrows, our love and he has an understanding of us that is greater than we can ever imagine. I'm glad to call him my valentine.

And if I never get another valentine for the rest of my life, I will count myself the luckiest person because of the knowledge I have of the one true valentine that everyone can have as long as they are faithful and accepting.

He gave His heart to me and I am trying to return it.

Happy Valentine's Day, I love you all.

Prayers Work!

Biggest relief of my life! I thought my hard drive crashed (again), but it hadn't! I got to Cougar Computer and it looked like everything was working fine, whereas last night nothing had been working!

Yay!

Tender Mercies

So, been going through some hard times lately. Feeling like a bad person/friend/employee. And then some remarkable things happened.

My brothers showed me some great love as they have hugged me, and talked to me about what's going on.

A fellow coworker noticed that I seemed a little stressed and not only gave me a hug and made me feel loved, but also gave me chocolate!

In my hymns class on Tuesday, all of the hymns we studied were about overcoming trials and trusting in God.

My roommates have been fantastic as I rode the emotional roller coaster up and down these past couple of days.

My parents have been encouraging; with my mom reminding me that there are people who love, not because they have to, but because they get to.

Thank you to everyone. Love you all.

My Cupeth O'erfloweth!

This weekend has just been... wonderful. I feel as though God has finally answered a two year prayer! He must have known that I needed to go through trial and when I had done and learned everything I could from it, then he sent the answer.

It all started because my brother dedicated a whole blog post to me. He said amazing a cute things.

Then I rode the bus home with my roomie and she said two things. The first was that she told me of a conversation she had with a guy in our ward that we know. He had asked if I dated a lot and when Cecily answered in the negative he said something to the affect of "That's surprising because she is really cute!" The number two thing was that she told me that I deserved to be friends with people who treat me the way I treat others, and I always treat people well.

I got to spend the day at home, decorating for Christmas. When I was leaving (with the decorating unfinished, unfortunately) my mom said that it always lights up her life when I came home.

At work last night, I received several compliments from some fellow CONErs.

Today was Sunday and it was amazing. It was fast and testimony meeting, and it was so nice to hear others testimonies. In Sunday School I gave a comment, which is very unusual for me. And in Relief Society I had been asked to share about one of my favorite Christmas hymns, and I also bore my testimony (because I'm too chicken to give it in Sacrament). In Relief Society we do these little note things called "Warm Fuzzies" and I got two today! One said "Someone told me that you are really cool yesterday, I wish I knew you better" and the other one told me to "stay beautiful."

The reason I share all these is because of what I've started to notice. When people have a high opinion of you, even if it is an exaggerated opinion, then your opinion of yourself gets higher too. And not only that, but you start to notice all the good things, and become happier. I don't know if this weekend was just especially full of these kind of moments, or if they happen all the time and I just don't realize them, but it was a really good weekend. God has surrounded me with people who not only see who I am, but see who I'm trying to be, and who I can be. They see the potential I have in me and support me in my efforts.

I love you all!

"Someone Always Comes"

So, this is an explanation for the previous post about the book "The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane" by Kate DiCamillo. My wonderfully wise mother gave me this book in 2006, during a heartbreaking time in my life. She told me that everyone said to read it with a box of tissues. This turned out to be true.

I read this book once or twice a year, when things start to get hard. I was reading it the other night, and my roommate came in while I was crying (not something odd for me, I'm a genuine crybaby), and asked me what was up. So I proceeded to tell her the story and I couldn't even get through that without choking on my words and bawling. What makes this book so wonderful is that Edward, a little China rabbit, learns how to love, but everyone that he loves is taken away from him. He finally gets to the point where he says that he will never love again, but he comes across a doll who is over one hundred years old. This doll tells him that he shouldn't give up because someone always comes and love is worth it.

The coda is beautifully written, but doesn't quite give the same emotion. The fall after I received this book, Josh Groban's song "Don't Give Up (You are Loved)" came out. It is the same message, and the two will always go together for me. At I time when I was thinking that I would never love, or be loved, again, I was given these reminders that everything will be fine.

And whenever I need a reminder that I shouldn't give up on love (even though Cecily frequently tells me not too) I read this book and I cry my eyes out, and I feel a little more hopeful at the end.

I love you all. Don't ever forget.

Life's Errata

In printing, the old kind before there were computers and word processing and all the letters were hand set, printers (the people, not the objects) used the term "erratum" (Plural: errata). This term means that there was a mistake in the book, magazine, or newspaper and instead of going through the entire process of having to print a whole new sheet out (with novels and journals there were several pages to one sheet), they would just insert a page at the front or back listing the "errata," the pages they were on and what they were supposed to be. Benjamin Franklin, being a printer himself, uses this term in regards to mistakes he made in his life. At the time he didn't realize that the "typo" had been made, but looking over it again, he sees it and therefore acknowledges it.

I would like to make a remark about the errata in life. I know that in my life there have been many that at the time seemed to be the right decision, word, or action. But looking back I've realized something; that is, that those things weren't as right as I may have thought. Some of these errata may have been caught early on, making it easier to fix, but others sat on the page for some time before I realized, and therefore I had to insert a confession. And I know that I'm not the only one with an erratum or two in my life; these are an unfortunate part of life that we all have to go through and we all know how painful it is to insert a confession if we didn't catch it soon enough.

It is because of these errata in our lives that we have the Master Printer. In this life right now, we are just the apprentices, trying to work our way up to journeyman and then to create our masterpieces; but as it is, we are being taught by the Master Printer. What the Master Printer does is simple. When we come to him with the offending pages and show him the erratum, he graciously puts his name on the correction; he takes the blame for it, though he had told us many times before to look over the plates before we printed them. It is when we try to hide our errata from our Master that we run into more trouble. While it is still possible to fix the mistakes, it becomes harder and more complicated as in the next edition, or issue, the corrections are put in. It extends the pain and shame that we feel.

Since I am guilty of a few errata in my life, I need to be forgiving of the errata of others. It is easily done; a "p" instead of a "b," or a backwards word, maybe even a couple of letters messed up. Rarely does the erratum completely ruin the whole page. And that apprentice has the same forgiving Master as I do.

I love the Atonement. I know that I have had to call on it several times as I have grown and changed. There were times in my life when I felt that I couldn't go a day with out offending someone. But through the regular process of growing up, and through my religion, and conversations I had with my family, I learned something. I might have made the errata, but it was others who decided to be offended by it. True, maybe some of the errata I shouldn't have made in the first place, and with some of them the only person I hurt was myself, but the Master was there when I admitted it, and he took the blame for me--though he had told me before to be careful. What a wonderful blessing for an imperfect life. I'm glad that I have this knowledge in my life; that I can make mistakes, and still be loved and be made whole again through repentance and a loving Father in Heaven.

My errata are not permanent. And neither are anyone else's!

I love you all.

Author's Note: So I realized while I was writing this that it kind of seems like a General Conference talk. Sorry about that. Maybe it's because I was in my religion class when I thought of it. But if I ever do have to talk in General Conference, at least I'll have a great analogy. (Well, I think it's great... let me know how you feel with your comments!)

Count Your Many Blessings

I decided to take this advice and "name them one by one." Not that I've been particularly depressed, but things do weigh me down every once in a while, and well "when upon life's billows!" So here are somethings that are blessings in my life:

My family! No matter what I know that they will always be there and they will always love me. When it seems like there is no one else in the world behind me, all I have to do is turn around and there they are. Love you all.

My health. Even though I might get little colds, or twenty-four hour mystery illnesses, I don't have any chronic diseases, and I'm not ending up in the hospital constantly. I don't need to watch what I do, eat, touch, or wear. I think that I got off pretty lucky in this respect.

School. Yes, one of the objects that cause stress is also a great blessing. In English we have been learning about women's rights in the Victorian age, and I am SO blessed to be living in this age where I can learn and expand my knowledge. I am free to pursue dreams and interests without anyone telling me that it's wrong. And being here at BYU has taught me more than just what I've learned in my classes.

Friends/Roommates. My roommates are some of my very best friends. What a blessing they have been for me this year! I have enjoyed my walks with Cecily who makes me laugh while comforting me. I love getting big hugs from Maria, and talking late into the night with her about nothing in particular. And Linda is a great example of righteousness. Then there are my other friends who I know are only a phone call or text away. The Lord may not have blessed me with a great many friends, but the few I have are great friends!

Other things that I am grateful for: living in a free country, music, literature, cameras (what would I do without my pictures to look through and remember with?), beautiful blue skies, the opportunity to work and be independent (for the most part), and, of course, the Church and the Scriptures! What comfort all these things bring to my life! I know that I have lived a blessed life and it is just proof that our Father knows what we each need and can handle. I've been so blessed. Seriously. ;) In times of trial, we just need to remember that along with the trial comes blessings and spiritual growth. Like I said before, God gives us the sugar for the lemons life hands us.

I love you all.

Drama=My Life at School

There are times in this adventure of life that I wish my life was just the boring, old thing it used to be. Right now, all the drama that I never had in high school seems to be catching up to me. Not only has the new semester started, and I'm back to working until 8:30 at night, but I've been meeting new people, and having a lot of new experiences. Friendships, crushes, exams, class, work, all these things together combine to become a big ball of emotional drama. I can only hope that someday I will be able to look back on this drama as a comedy and laugh at myself.

For the time being, I am feeling very stupid. Like every time I open my mouth, duct tape should be slapped across it to keep me from saying something stupid. If only it were that easy. I know its a lot to ask for, but for once could I just be the suave, sophisticated girl that I make believe I am?

But along with all the drama, and stupid things, comes some sunshine and light. I have started my editing classes (Intro to Linguistics) and I am loving it! I have always thought of myself as a word person, and now I know that I must be! I love the way words are made, and how the sounds come together. Language, and speaking. It's all so amazing and a lot of fun to learn. I wasn't looking forward to that class to begin with, but it's now my favorite class, and always seems to end too soon. Three other rays of sunshine are my amazing roommates! Maria, Cecily and Linda. Maria is like me in a more outspoken, outgoing form. We have talks together, and seem to understand where each other is coming from. Cecily is the sweetest person I know. She loves me unconditionally, despite faults I might have, and she is a strength in my life. Linda prompts me to be better.

When life hands you lemons, God gives you the sugar for lemonade. My drama is for a little time only, but the things I learn from it are going to help me for the rest of my life.

Free Write: What I Want

So, I've been a little hormonal lately, and when I get hormonal I do two things: eat a lot, and think about my troubles. The thing is, my troubles aren't anything compared to what a lot of people have. In fact, my life is just peachy. I have a family who loves me, I'm getting a good education, I have all my limbs, no diseases, and a full life ahead of me. But for some reason when I get hormonal it's hard to realize this. It's the hormones!! The never ending trial of women!

My troubles lately have been to related to another never ending trial--the opposite sex. Boys. I mean, really, who needs them? But for some reason, I still want one. Yet, I don't have one. Not even a little bit, not even close. Last time I was hormonal, I went out by myself late one night and I sat in a secluded corner on campus and I pondered, and prayed. I thought a lot about what it was that I wanted. It's not so much that I want a boyfriend. I could probably do without that drama. What I really want is someone who understands me. Someone who can see me for what I am inside, for what I could be. I want someone who knows all my faults (and heaven knows I have quite a bit) and love me because my faults are part of who I am. I want someone who realizes that I am trying so hard to be better and to be perfect.

This person doesn't have to be a boyfriend; just someone. Someone so I don't feel so alone a lot of the time. My roommates all have cell phones and they talk to their friends and parents at least once a day. They all have friends up here, and even though I'm really close to home, I don't. I talk to my mom maybe every other day if we happen to get on the computer at the same time. Being up here at BYU makes me feel more alone than I ever have before. But after I had finished pondering life (42, by the way), and while I was walking back I looked down at my shadow. Instead of the usual one, I had two. Now this wasn't some great miraculous thing or anything, there just happened to be multiple street lamps. But when I looked at those two shadows the thought came in my head "You're never alone, you'll never walk alone." I don't know if I have been listening to too many broadway showtunes, or if it was the Holy Spirit, or just me, but that thought was very comforting to me. It reminded me that everything I want I already have, and it's in God. So, until I find that mortal person who possesses the ability to see me for me, I'll have to rely on God. And that's okay.