I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it seems that every year around this time, I have a little bit of a break down. It's so weird, the littlest thing can set me off. When I was in school, I thought it was because it was the end of semester and I was just mentally exhausted. But thinking it over, I think it's more that after going through the long winter, you have a week or two of Mother Nature teasing warm weather and sunshine before she takes it all away and it's back to snow and cloudy skies.
Anyway, it sucks. It kind of makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I'm up and down, crying over every little thing--or nothing. My thoughts become irrational, every insecurity comes up, and I can't fight them off. I feel like I need to stay away from people so they don't get frustrated at my bad mood, but really a lot of times it's being around someone that I need that helps. Not a lot of people, but just one other person.
Last week, I went into my closet to cry (in order to prevent roommate M from hearing me) and I was thinking about all those stories you read about in church magazines, and hear in testimony meeting about how someone was having a bad day or they were sick and there was a knock on the door. When they open the door, standing there is someone from their ward, who just "had a feeling" that they needed to stop by. And I just couldn't help thinking, "Why doesn't God ever send someone for me? Why doesn't anyone ever feel like they need to see how I'm doing?" After I got myself under control and had gotten ready for bed, M comes in to say hi (she'd been late coming home and had been on the phone). She asks how my day was, and, since I can't really hide my feelings (hence that not wanting to be around people), she could tell it hadn't been very good. We have a little chat about what had happened, and as she's leaving, she just said, in passing, "I'm glad I felt like I should come say hi." She doesn't even know what that meant to me.
Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn't get back to sleep. All those thoughts of worthlessness were invading my head. And even though I had just spent five days with family, and my mom was telling me she didn't want me to leave, I just couldn't believe that anyone loved me. I felt friendless and about three inches tall. There had been a quick visit to the closet, but I just couldn't bring myself under control. I laid in bed crying, whispering "stop it, stop it, stop it." I just wanted to stop thinking those things, because I knew they weren't true. Eventually I either tired myself out enough, or Someone was able to calm my mind, but I fell asleep. This morning, I still just wasn't feeling great--partly because I was exhausted. As I was doing my hair and make-up this morning, I get a text from M (who had already left for school): "I heated up some water for you. ... I love your face! Have a good day!" Which is exactly what I needed. Someone to do something nice for me (heat up water for my lemon-honey tea I drink in the morning), and to tell me that they loved me and cared how I was. As far as I know, M has no idea about my tumultuous night.
And work helped. Work always helps, which is amazing to me. Sometimes working fulltime can be tough and frustrating and I just think about all the things I'd rather be doing. But the thing I've noticed about work, is how much it actually helps me. I stay busy and focused on the tasks I need to complete, so I don't have time to worry too much about me.
So, maybe my stories aren't Ensign worthy. It wasn't one of those stories where it's just a completely random person received revelation that I needed them. God knew that I probably wouldn't have taken advantage of it, even if I felt like I wanted it, because I don't share things with close friends, let alone strangers. But the thing is, there was someone in my life who did something she thought was completely normal, but meant so much to me. Hopefully I've cried myself out and cleansed all my emotions (who am I kidding, I still feel a bit weepy). The weather is supposed to get warmer, and M and I are heading to St. George this weekend for my birthday, so that should help to. I think I just need to get away and clear my head.
I'm not sharing this because I'm looking for validation or pity. But, I appreciate reading the blogs of my friends who are honest about things--things that aren't perfect in their lives. And I think that the five of you who read this know that I'm not perfect. (Which, you probably already know.) And to just share in the fact that we all have hard times that we have to work though, even if they are irrational and caused by the weather.
No fear. I understand that a blog is like a journal and, because journals are to help you remember things from the past, you want it to be filled with happy moments and memories to buoy you up later and to uplift others. Oddly enough, sometimes it's the sad stories that do exactly that because it reminds us of our reliance on the Lord and his ever-listening ear and compassion for us.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing.
I completely understand every single word you said. I have had those same thoughts: "How come no one comes to me when I need someone?" etc. It's maddening. Then I wrote my post, which you so graciously commented on, and I was like, "Hey! I'm not alone!" Then another person did. Then I received an email from a friend I have not spoken to in YEARS and she soothed every single worry and fear and some I didn't even share, just because she wanted to help. Then I got a random email from another friend form long ago, completely unrelated, asking about my life. Then another. The point I'm trying to make with all of my babbling is this: the Lord knows us. He knows what we need. Sometimes He makes us wait just a little longer, because sometimes, we need to pick ourselves up. But He always sends us something or someone. Strength to go on for one more day. An email. A note. A pot of hot water. The peace to sleep at night. We're never alone, even when we are most alone. And I love that.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love you. =)