Apr 22, 2007

Broken Hearted--Just a little

I wish that for once in my life I could have gone out on a limb and just told him. Maybe things would be different now, maybe he would be with me instead of with her. I wish that I hadn't just assumed. I realize now that I need to work on my judgements of people's actions. I thought that we had maybe a little bit of something going on, why else would he continue to wear that thing? I feel so stupid now, the way I did (or didn't) pursue him. I feel stupid for thinking that he could ever find something in me to love. Why did I let myself get so vulnerable? Why didn't I learn the first time?

I know that part of it was that I was so scared to start something with him, because I knew that I could hurt him. Eventually I'd have to stop it before I grew to love him. My fears must have clouded my thoughts, and that's why I did nothing. And now, three months without him. Maybe more. Maybe forever. I'll never know if anything could be possible between us.

But then there's him. He was so against dating, I thought no one had a chance with him. He spoke with such fervor that I thought I knew that nothing would change his mind, at least not this year. Now I find out that I didn't have chance with him either way. And I can't keep from comparing myself to her. It's so obvious why he would pick her. She's beautiful and funny and relaxed. I don't know why I'm so upset, it's not as if we ever had anything going on. But I'm sad, and disappointed and really upset. I just need to stop reading into things, to not allow myself to take one little action and turn it into something big.

You think I would have learned.

Apr 19, 2007

The End?

The semester has ended, and along with it the class for which this blog was created. When I first started this blog, I hated it. I had always thought that blogs were stupid, that writing personal things about yourself on the internet where anyone could see was suicide. But I've actually learned to like it. I've been able to write whatever I wanted and feel like maybe someone has heard it, but also don't have to feel awkward about what it is I said, because it's possible no one read it. It's good to be able to let our feelings out, and yet, keep them in at the same time.

So, I've decided maybe I'll keep this blog around. I'll write on it every now and then--updates, possibly no more.

Thanks for all those who did or didn't read!

Apr 12, 2007

Rhetorical Analysis: "Ben Hur"

In the crucifixion scene of Ben Hur, there is a lot of visual rhetoric.

First of all, the audience is white, American Christians. The actor’s the in the movie didn’t portray the typical Middle Easterner, the movie used American actors and was filmed in Hollywood, and the story takes place in the time of Christ and has His work and death as a central theme.

The first thing I noticed in watching the clip was the fact that you never see Christ’s face. This has the effect of two things the first being that Christ is so sacred that to have someone portray Him could be considered sacrilegious. The one that I believe the director was going for is that, while still a central and important figure within the movie, it was more important to see how He effects others, not how others effect him. This is obvious when Ben Hur kneels to Him to give him water and the look on Ben Hur’s face becomes one of disbelief, pain, awe, recognition and love.

This leads into another part of the visual rhetoric employed in the film—facial expressions. Ben Hur’s face goes through several dynamic expressions. The first time is when he sees Christ, recognizes Him, and then tries to repay His kindness and give Him water. Without words, Ben Hur’s face tells a story of its own. Ben Hur seems to finally come tot he recognition as he watches the Savior hang and die that this is the Christ. As his face goes from the dark into the light, and his face changes from one of agony to peace, it is so apparent that he finally realizes the truth.

The main theme of this scene is to portray that Christ died and the He is the Savior. He worked miracles, and lived by faith. His kindness touched many who, like Ben Hur, didn’t recognize him for what he was. And when He died many came to know the truth and the world mourned.

Apr 9, 2007

Free Write: What I Want

So, I've been a little hormonal lately, and when I get hormonal I do two things: eat a lot, and think about my troubles. The thing is, my troubles aren't anything compared to what a lot of people have. In fact, my life is just peachy. I have a family who loves me, I'm getting a good education, I have all my limbs, no diseases, and a full life ahead of me. But for some reason when I get hormonal it's hard to realize this. It's the hormones!! The never ending trial of women!

My troubles lately have been to related to another never ending trial--the opposite sex. Boys. I mean, really, who needs them? But for some reason, I still want one. Yet, I don't have one. Not even a little bit, not even close. Last time I was hormonal, I went out by myself late one night and I sat in a secluded corner on campus and I pondered, and prayed. I thought a lot about what it was that I wanted. It's not so much that I want a boyfriend. I could probably do without that drama. What I really want is someone who understands me. Someone who can see me for what I am inside, for what I could be. I want someone who knows all my faults (and heaven knows I have quite a bit) and love me because my faults are part of who I am. I want someone who realizes that I am trying so hard to be better and to be perfect.

This person doesn't have to be a boyfriend; just someone. Someone so I don't feel so alone a lot of the time. My roommates all have cell phones and they talk to their friends and parents at least once a day. They all have friends up here, and even though I'm really close to home, I don't. I talk to my mom maybe every other day if we happen to get on the computer at the same time. Being up here at BYU makes me feel more alone than I ever have before. But after I had finished pondering life (42, by the way), and while I was walking back I looked down at my shadow. Instead of the usual one, I had two. Now this wasn't some great miraculous thing or anything, there just happened to be multiple street lamps. But when I looked at those two shadows the thought came in my head "You're never alone, you'll never walk alone." I don't know if I have been listening to too many broadway showtunes, or if it was the Holy Spirit, or just me, but that thought was very comforting to me. It reminded me that everything I want I already have, and it's in God. So, until I find that mortal person who possesses the ability to see me for me, I'll have to rely on God. And that's okay.

Apr 2, 2007

Free Write: General Conference

This past weekend was the LDS General Conference. What a fanatastic thing for the members of the church! We are able to here our beloved prophet speak to us, as well as other prominent members. When I was younger, while still a big deal, I had a hard time paying attention to conference. But since coming to BYU everything has become so much more meaningful. This was the first conference in which I have stayed awake for all four sessions.

It seems that every talk, every scripture, has something to do with my life--as if they are speaking right to me. Maybe its because I have come to know myself so much better since I have come to BYU. I think that moving away from my parents has something to do with that. I was really surprised when I discovered all of my faults. I seem to have taken one step forward and two steps back. Fortunatly I am the only that seems to have noticed this--my parents talk about me behind my back frequently about how far I have come and I have learned so much more about myself and my parents. My dad and I seem to have become a lot closer as my mom has relayed the tender things he has said about me.

Now that I know my faults, I am able to realize what I need to do to fix them. A daunting task for all of the faults that I possess. Hearing the general authorites speak as given me hope. I don't feel quite so pressured to have to change everything right now. There is hope, and God will except me for all my faults. He loves me in spite of my faults.