Dreamland and Other News

These past two weeks I have been having some weird dreams. Have you ever had a series of dreams that are all related to each other? That even take place in the same "dreamland"? The majority of my dreams always did seem to take place in the same world my brain created, but not it has shifted to something much worse.

School.

Yes, I have been having school dreams. The school is a strange amalgam (sidebar: I love that word and try to use it whenever I can) of my high school and BYU. And for some reason I am taking art and math classes. But I can never find my classes, and I've forgotten my schedule, don't know my locker number or combination, and then there are all these people from high school or TV shows/movies I watch. Basically, they aren't the most comfortable of dreams.

Anyway, in other news.

I've decided to take the GRE. I'm looking into grad schools, but I haven't really decided if that's what I should do, but since the GRE lasts for a few years, I decided I should take it, and maybe even apply to a program or two and see what happens.

This has been about 6 months in coming. I received news that I would need to find a new job by the end of the year, which was heartbreaking but at the same time I knew that it is best for me. I'd been feeling for a while that I should start looking for a new job, but something would happen, and I would just brush the feeling away. But, here's the thing, Heavenly Father doesn't give up. In a way, I feel that everything that led up to me having to be let go (which no one really wanted that, but things happen and departments need to downsize) was really just God being like "Okay, Whitney, you wouldn't listen to me before, so now I'm forcing you into it. It's really for your own good." There was definitely some comfort in that, until I started looking for a job.

At first it seemed that I had a lot of options. I even applied for a great, entry-level position. But I kept getting turned down because other applicants had more experience and higher education. Which kind of got me started thinking about going back to school. And now I'm only coming across part-time jobs, even though I've broadened my search terms. The only thing I know is that I want to work with books, in some way or another; they are my passion.

This past week or two I've been thinking more and more about getting my MFA. Maybe it's because of these school dreams I've been having, or maybe because Roommate M has decided to go to grad school, but whatever it is, it's a different path I'm looking down. I feel as though the paths are dark and winding, and I have no idea of which I should go down or where they will lead. But maybe opening myself up to going down different paths, one will become more clear.

Growing up I never thought I would get my master's. That was back in the days when I thought I would be married at 21 and be having kids. My senior year of college, that thought changed. I found out about a creative writing MFA, and I became really interested in doing that. But even then I thought that I would do it once I had a job (hopefully one that would help pay for it), or maybe even years down the road. To be thinking about it at this stage in life is not what I was expecting, even though I know I should stop expecting things to happen when I think they should.

The good news is that my work has decided to keep me on (with reduced hours) until next June, or I find a job. I'm so grateful for them to be willing to help me and give me a lot of time to find something. They have even been working with me to sharpen my skills by giving me different tasks, and telling me about any job opportunities they know of. General Minion, my mentor, has even offered to help me on the GRE, and listens to me when I get down because I can't find a job. She was the one who proposed keeping me on for another 6 months, and she has sent me job listings I qualify for. It's been stressful, and it's been hard, and sometimes it makes me wonder about my talents and whether or not I have what it takes, but there are so many people in my life who are there to support me and to give me encouragement. Everyone goes through this at least once, right? It's just my turn and I know things will be better for it--if only I knew when!

Doing New Things and How They Make Me Feel

You know how in murder mysteries, it seems like where ever the main character goes, he or she is always surrounded by murder? Like, they are on vacation, and someone gets murdered. They just can't catch a break!

Last night I had a dream that I had just arrived on my vacation on PEI and there was a murder at my hotel. Besides showing that I watch way too many murder mysteries, I think it also shows how nervous I am about going on vacation. At least this dream I know won't happen (well, I'm fairly positive), whereas the dream I had about a month ago about missing all my connecting flights was worse because it actually could happen.

Here's the thing: I'm a naturally nervous and worrisome person. I really wish I weren't, but it's not exactly something you can just turn off. So, this vacation, while I am excited for it, also makes me nervous. I mean, I'm leaving the country. By myself. To go to place I've never been, to do things I've never done before; like, rent a car, have my own hotel room, navigate a place I've never been. I've never been on a plane without having someone else I knew with me. So, yeah, I'm a little nervous.

And people, trying to be kind, sometimes make it worse. Having them express their excitement for me makes me more anxious about this trip. That probably seems weird to a lot of you, but it's almost like I have these expectations I have to meet now. My solo vacation isn't so much about me anymore, but everyone who is expecting to hear about it. I know that they are excited for me because they are my friends--I completely understand that. But it doesn't change the fact that every time someone says "I'm so excited!" I get a feeling like a rock in the bottom of my stomach. And then I think, "Why are you excited? You aren't going." Which is probably rude. Sorry.

Lately I've been thinking about the last time I left the country, which was just a little over five years ago. I was sitting in my mom's office at her work, because my plane didn't leave until about 1 or something. She had a TV and DVD player in her office, so I was watching movies. A teacher came in, and after mistaking me for a middle school student (I was 20 at the time), I explained to him who I was and what I was doing. When he heard I was leaving for England that day he asked, "Are you scared?" He was the first person who had asked me that, and it felt good to say, "Yes, a little." I have no idea who that teacher was, but the fact that he could see that I was nervous was such a nice break from all the "Wow"s and "That's going to be amazing"s.

I know a lot of people don't understand why I decided to take a solo vacation--especially all you extroverts out there. I know that sharing an experience with someone can be awesome, because I have shared some amazing experiences with people. But I need a break. I need to be away from my work and my coworkers, and just regular life in general. I need to be able to go on my vacation and not have to worry about if the other person is having a good time, or what they want to do (because I know I would). I can do whatever I want, because it is wholly my vacation. If I want to read in a park (if it doesn't rain the entire time I'm there), I can and I will. Another reason I wanted to do this by myself is because I want to see if I can. I'm a single girl (woman, I guess, but for some reason I can never call myself a woman. A woman is someone who is much more sophisticated and grown up than I am) who wants to travel (even though I'm a horrible traveler), but I might not always have someone to travel with, and I don't think that should be something to hold me back. I shouldn't have to wait for there to be someone to go with me. 

So, this trip, which I leave for very early Wednesday morning, is my guinea pig, my trial run, my beta test. And, despite my nerves, I'm sure I'm going to have a good time.

Weekend Update

For those of you familiar with SNL, this is kind of like the Weekend Update with Seth Meyers, just not as funny.

Monday:

Went to work, nothing exciting there.

Went to class, nothing exciting there.

Went to the Mac Lab to work on my big project, again. My phone buzzed, telling me that I had two voicemails. Once I listened to them, my whole day was turned around! I had been chosen for an interview for the internship at the Church Magazines! Wow. I'm a little nervous, but pretty excited because I didn't think I would even get to the interview stage.

That night for FHE we tie-dyed t-shirts! That was the first time I'd ever done that. Very fun.

Tuesday:

Had a work meeting, nothing exciting there.

Had class, nothing exciting there.

Had the longest closing shift at work, nothing exciting there.

Wednesday:

Had work, nothing . . . well, you know.

Had class. We had critiques on our designs and my TA liked mine! Maybe I'll get a better score on this project than my last . . . especially with the amount of work I've had to put in.

Made Chicken Noodle Soup for dinner. Mmmmmm.

Won $5200 playing Jeopardy! that night. (Yes, sometimes I keep score)

Stayed up late reading Birth Marked. It was good, you should read it.

Thursday:

Did homework.

Worked on my design project while listening to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

Went to class.

Wrote in my novel.

Friday:

Went to work.

Thought I was going to have to go work on my project, but my TA sent out an e-mail pushing back the printing date by a week. Yay!

Took a nap.

Watched How to Train Your Dragon.

Wrote in my novel.

Went to bed.

That night I had the creepiest dream that I was living with a homicidal maniac who was trying to kill me and my roommates.

That's it. Nothing too exciting. :)

. . . In Your Dreams!

Last night I had a dream about going back to London. I was going on another study abroad there and I was so excited to spend the next four months and my last semester in my favorite city!'

By the time I got there, I started having doubts which were crowding out the excitement I felt on the plane (sidenote: planes are always much cooler in my dreams), and seeing a bunch of people that I went to London with before also going to London (because, you know, why wouldn't they be there? A girl I knew in high school was also there--that part was weird.). I started thinking about the fact that I hadn't moved out of my apartment, and therefore would still be paying rent. And then I started worrying about when I would be able to move out of my apartment.

Then I started thinking about the classes I was enrolled in at BYU and how I would complete those. Because I need to complete them to graduate this semester, but how was I going to learn InDesign and Photoshop without anyone showing me about it.

And it didn't help that the London Centre was in a part of town that looked suspiciously like Herriman.

But I wasn't going to let that bother me, because I was in London!

And then these evil skeletal guys showed up and it was all downhill from there.