Apr 9, 2007

Free Write: What I Want

So, I've been a little hormonal lately, and when I get hormonal I do two things: eat a lot, and think about my troubles. The thing is, my troubles aren't anything compared to what a lot of people have. In fact, my life is just peachy. I have a family who loves me, I'm getting a good education, I have all my limbs, no diseases, and a full life ahead of me. But for some reason when I get hormonal it's hard to realize this. It's the hormones!! The never ending trial of women!

My troubles lately have been to related to another never ending trial--the opposite sex. Boys. I mean, really, who needs them? But for some reason, I still want one. Yet, I don't have one. Not even a little bit, not even close. Last time I was hormonal, I went out by myself late one night and I sat in a secluded corner on campus and I pondered, and prayed. I thought a lot about what it was that I wanted. It's not so much that I want a boyfriend. I could probably do without that drama. What I really want is someone who understands me. Someone who can see me for what I am inside, for what I could be. I want someone who knows all my faults (and heaven knows I have quite a bit) and love me because my faults are part of who I am. I want someone who realizes that I am trying so hard to be better and to be perfect.

This person doesn't have to be a boyfriend; just someone. Someone so I don't feel so alone a lot of the time. My roommates all have cell phones and they talk to their friends and parents at least once a day. They all have friends up here, and even though I'm really close to home, I don't. I talk to my mom maybe every other day if we happen to get on the computer at the same time. Being up here at BYU makes me feel more alone than I ever have before. But after I had finished pondering life (42, by the way), and while I was walking back I looked down at my shadow. Instead of the usual one, I had two. Now this wasn't some great miraculous thing or anything, there just happened to be multiple street lamps. But when I looked at those two shadows the thought came in my head "You're never alone, you'll never walk alone." I don't know if I have been listening to too many broadway showtunes, or if it was the Holy Spirit, or just me, but that thought was very comforting to me. It reminded me that everything I want I already have, and it's in God. So, until I find that mortal person who possesses the ability to see me for me, I'll have to rely on God. And that's okay.

No comments:

Post a Comment