Last night I had a dream that I had just arrived on my vacation on PEI and there was a murder at my hotel. Besides showing that I watch way too many murder mysteries, I think it also shows how nervous I am about going on vacation. At least this dream I know won't happen (well, I'm fairly positive), whereas the dream I had about a month ago about missing all my connecting flights was worse because it actually could happen.
Here's the thing: I'm a naturally nervous and worrisome person. I really wish I weren't, but it's not exactly something you can just turn off. So, this vacation, while I am excited for it, also makes me nervous. I mean, I'm leaving the country. By myself. To go to place I've never been, to do things I've never done before; like, rent a car, have my own hotel room, navigate a place I've never been. I've never been on a plane without having someone else I knew with me. So, yeah, I'm a little nervous.
And people, trying to be kind, sometimes make it worse. Having them express their excitement for me makes me more anxious about this trip. That probably seems weird to a lot of you, but it's almost like I have these expectations I have to meet now. My solo vacation isn't so much about me anymore, but everyone who is expecting to hear about it. I know that they are excited for me because they are my friends--I completely understand that. But it doesn't change the fact that every time someone says "I'm so excited!" I get a feeling like a rock in the bottom of my stomach. And then I think, "Why are you excited? You aren't going." Which is probably rude. Sorry.
Lately I've been thinking about the last time I left the country, which was just a little over five years ago. I was sitting in my mom's office at her work, because my plane didn't leave until about 1 or something. She had a TV and DVD player in her office, so I was watching movies. A teacher came in, and after mistaking me for a middle school student (I was 20 at the time), I explained to him who I was and what I was doing. When he heard I was leaving for England that day he asked, "Are you scared?" He was the first person who had asked me that, and it felt good to say, "Yes, a little." I have no idea who that teacher was, but the fact that he could see that I was nervous was such a nice break from all the "Wow"s and "That's going to be amazing"s.
I know a lot of people don't understand why I decided to take a solo vacation--especially all you extroverts out there. I know that sharing an experience with someone can be awesome, because I have shared some amazing experiences with people. But I need a break. I need to be away from my work and my coworkers, and just regular life in general. I need to be able to go on my vacation and not have to worry about if the other person is having a good time, or what they want to do (because I know I would). I can do whatever I want, because it is wholly my vacation. If I want to read in a park (if it doesn't rain the entire time I'm there), I can and I will. Another reason I wanted to do this by myself is because I want to see if I can. I'm a single girl (woman, I guess, but for some reason I can never call myself a woman. A woman is someone who is much more sophisticated and grown up than I am) who wants to travel (even though I'm a horrible traveler), but I might not always have someone to travel with, and I don't think that should be something to hold me back. I shouldn't have to wait for there to be someone to go with me.
So, this trip, which I leave for very early Wednesday morning, is my guinea pig, my trial run, my beta test. And, despite my nerves, I'm sure I'm going to have a good time.