Writing Technique: Revising your own Work

For my writing technique this week I’m going to revise a poem that I’ve written, called “To the Ones I’ll Never Have.”

Original:
I’ve never had you;
Never had your autumn eyes
to gaze into,
Never felt your sweet skin
warm my hands.

I’ve never had a place;
A place in the strength
of your arms
Never had any place
in your heart

Without me, your soul
will continue to burn
its bright light
Without you, I try my hand
at poetry.

I’ve never had you.
not even a spot
in your memory
When talking to me,
your thoughts were full

I’ve never had you,
and now I never will

Revision:
This is a song to
the ones I’ve never had;
the ones I’ll never hold.

You are the ones I admired
for your eyes or smile.
your laugh and talent.

You never looked my way,
not really
Your autumn, or sky, or
emerald eyes never saw

You were the ones whose
thoughts were elsewhere,
even when you were
right beside me.

This is to the ones
who will forget me

The first poem was really fluffy and obviously a first draft. The revision is a little better, and almost completely different. I took the ideas from the first draft that I liked, and even a phrase here or there and tried to make something a little more real.