I wish that for once in my life I could have gone out on a limb and just told him. Maybe things would be different now, maybe he would be with me instead of with her. I wish that I hadn't just assumed. I realize now that I need to work on my judgements of people's actions. I thought that we had maybe a little bit of something going on, why else would he continue to wear that thing? I feel so stupid now, the way I did (or didn't) pursue him. I feel stupid for thinking that he could ever find something in me to love. Why did I let myself get so vulnerable? Why didn't I learn the first time?
I know that part of it was that I was so scared to start something with him, because I knew that I could hurt him. Eventually I'd have to stop it before I grew to love him. My fears must have clouded my thoughts, and that's why I did nothing. And now, three months without him. Maybe more. Maybe forever. I'll never know if anything could be possible between us.
But then there's him. He was so against dating, I thought no one had a chance with him. He spoke with such fervor that I thought I knew that nothing would change his mind, at least not this year. Now I find out that I didn't have chance with him either way. And I can't keep from comparing myself to her. It's so obvious why he would pick her. She's beautiful and funny and relaxed. I don't know why I'm so upset, it's not as if we ever had anything going on. But I'm sad, and disappointed and really upset. I just need to stop reading into things, to not allow myself to take one little action and turn it into something big.
You think I would have learned.
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