June Book of the Month

Obviously, keeping up on the book of the month posts is a lot harder since I started my book review blog (new reviews go up every Monday!).

The book I'm recommended this month is Stories I Only Tell My Friends: An Autobiography by Rob Lowe. This autobiography blew my mind several times through the reading of it. The people and situations that Lowe found himself in from a young age is just amazing (meeting Liza Minnelli when he was eight or so, being on the set of Star Wars, being neighbors to Martin Sheen . . .). And the behind the scenes look at 80s and 90s Hollywood is really fascinating.

Lowe writes truthfully, but without putting any blame on anyone. It's honest, heartfelt, and guileless. There are the ups and downs of his life from his roles to his sex tape scandal to going to rehab.

The "f" word is used fairly liberally.

And so began the days of my unemployment . . .

Yesterday was my last day of work until I get hired someplace else. I thought that yesterday would be harder than it was--not that it wasn't hard . . . perhaps I mean I thought it would be more emotional than it was. And as I was thinking this over I think it's because I had a year of emotions already: crying and anger and peace and doubt. The past six months went by really fast, and all of a sudden I was in my last three days and I didn't quite know what to do with myself.

I think the hardest part was that not everyone was aware that I was leaving, or if they were, they didn't know that it wasn't exactly my choice. Which means that I had to explain it a lot, and I wasn't really sure how. The second hardest part was that inevitable question: "What are you doing next?" To which the only answer I had was "I don't know." Someone asked me that and then sent me an email apologizing for it. I responded and said that it was no big deal, I knew that people just cared and wanted to know. I was surprised when I received a response back and she said that I had a really positive attitude.

Here's the thing: I don't really feel like I have a choice.

What is a bad attitude going to do? It's not going to help me find a job; it's not going to get my job back. That's not to say that I haven't ever had a bad attitude over this because I have. It's to be expected, it's part of the grieving process. But when people are curious and care about you, what is having a bad attitude going to do but push them away? There are times when I don't want to talk about it because lately it seems like that's all I ever talk about and nothing has changed, but if I politely tell someone that I don't want to talk about it, they understand.

Anyway, to keep myself occupied until I get a new job, I've been trying to come up with some things to keep me busy and occupied. Of course, I'll be cleaning and organizing, etc. (I joked yesterday that I'm basically becoming a housewife but without the other income . . .) I'll also be working on my writing, and I have this crazy idea about working on my penmanship. I've never really liked my handwriting and I guess after working with 19th century documents, I want to have a pretty script. I have this idea that I just want to be this fancy person--a cute little writing desk, fountain pens, leather journal, wax seal (this has come true--I got one from the editors for a farewell gift!), etc. Sooo, basically I want to be someone who lived before the 1940s (which is when the ballpoint pen was invented).

Anyway, here are to the days of my unemployment, may they not last long.

All That Can Happen

I was just sitting here on my couch, playing games and generally wasting time, when I started thinking about where I was last year. And I realized how much can change in 364 days--and how much can stay the same. In one way last June seemed a lifetime ago, and yet it also seems like it all just happened last week.

This time last June I was on my first solo vacation to Prince Edward Island. Everything seemed to be going pretty well. I had a job I loved, though only part time, but it would work while I was finding a more full time position. I had enough money to go on vacation which had never happened to me before. My roommate and I were getting along great. Everything seemed to be just as it should be.

Fast forward to today. I have 8 days in the next three weeks at my job, with, as of this post, no job lined up yet. I had gone through the whole process of applying for a graduate school with that ending with a rejection letter. Still loving M and living with her. And I am more confident--I mean I'm still shy, introverted, and a bit awkward, but I finally got some help with stuff going on with me and I feel better about myself and others around me. I've made some good memories this last year: becoming an aunt in July, going to my first con in April.

Life is really just a series of ups and downs. Okay, yes, so I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life at the moment, but while I've only been working three days a week I've been able to write a lot more (though I'm in the middle of a writer's block on my novel right now, but you know, it happens). My niece might be two states away, but I've got FaceTime to talk to her with. I was talking to someone in our ward a couple of weeks ago, we'll call him Trendsetter, and I mentioned a little bit about not getting into grad school and me losing my job. I'm pretty sure Trendsetter is one of those people who always sees the positive and he said, "So, you could do anything? That's really exciting."

At the moment, my brain was screaming out in anxiety, "No, it's really not!" When faced with everything, all I want is a narrower choice. When faced with everything, how can you even make a choice? Pretty sure I'm not the kind of person my friends and family would call "adventurous." I don't do things very spontaneously. I like to have some sort of plan. But, I guess, in a way . . . it is a little exciting. This past year I've had the opportunity to think over what it is I want to do--career wise mostly. Do I want to stay in editing, or do something else? What is it that I'm really passionate about? How do I want to spend up to 40 hours of my week? It's hard, and sometimes I feel even more confused than I ever had before, and sometimes I feel like I've made a decision only to have it change the next.

All in all, nothing is horrible or hopeless. I have my health, I have my family, and I have my faith. With those three things, I know I'll be okay.

May Book of the Month

Here I am again, writing the book of the month post late. I felt like May was so long this year--I feel like we should already be in the middle of June, instead of just at the beginning. Oh well, I'm glad we're not because that means I still have a job for four more weeks!

This month's book is The 57 Lives of Alex Wayfare by MG Buerlen. It involves time travel, evil scientists, reincarnation, and, of course, an attractive boy. Alex has experienced strange dreams throughout her life--dreams in which she actually feels and experiences certain things, like the starving time in colonial America. Then she meets a man who says that they aren't just dreams, but her past lives, which she can travel into at anytime.

I love a good time travel book. The characters are interesting, the plot easy to follow while still giving twists and turns, and the conclusion actually an end without it being all tied up nicely. I don't have a full review up on my other blog yet, but it will be up next Monday.

Differing Ideas

I'm not someone who can express herself in a intelligent and thoughtful manner in the middle of a discussion. I really wish I was. There have been several times in my life where if I had just been able to process what was being said to me and form a good answer, things would have gone over better, either for me or the other person. But when caught in the middle of an unexpected conversation, it's as if my brain is whirling over whatever it is the other person brought up and anything I can say seems trite, simple, or unintelligent. Which then, of course, means that I spend hours or days thinking of all the things I wish I had said.

This last week I found myself in the middle of one of these kinds of conversations. It was tricky, because I started feeling like a part of my life--a choice I had made a long time ago--was being attacked, and by someone I considered a friend. And I couldn't seem to make this person see that. Then I started feeling as if this person was treating my ideas as if it was just because I was too young (I'm several years younger then my friend) and there's something really diminishing about being treated like a child just because your ideas differ from someone else's. I think it maybe my friend was trying to pass it off as a joke, but it was something so close to my heart that it was hard to take it that way.

I think what I'm trying to get at is . . . we all have different ideas. We may not always agree with each other--in fact, we may disagree with other people's ideas more than we agree with them. But that doesn't mean that we have to make them feel small, or attack them because of their ideas. There is a difference between having a conversation about ideas, and have a debate where you are trying to "win." Basically, and I'm sure I've said this before, let's just be nice and considerate of others. We're all entitled to our own ideas; you don't have to agree with them, but you don't have to be cruel--even if you think you're joking. Life is already so hard without tearing others down and causing discontent. I understand that you shouldn't just stop saying things because someone may be offended by it, but don't tear others down for doing the same thing.

Motivational Type

I decided to make a wall in my bedroom with some motivational quotes, to remind me that things are always good, or going to get better. I played around a bit in InDesign and came up with a few. I mean to add a few more in the coming weeks.

Basically, "count your blessings." I need to be better at this.

Isn't Dr. Suess a genius?

One of my favorite Islamic sayings. I'm really hoping that the Arabic on the bottom says what the website indicated . . . 

This was my first attempt at a sort of "subway" art. It's tough because, unless there's some other way to do it, you have to have multiple text boxes.

April Book of the Month

Apparently this month has not been the best month for reading. As in, I've only read four books this month, which is really weird (for me). In that case (and because I'm not feeling well), I'm going to just tell you three of the four books that I read:

A Beginner's Guide to Acting English by Shappi Khorsandi. Memoir of Iran refugees in England.

Ketchup Clouds by Annabel Pitcher. YA Fiction about a girl writing to a murderer on death row.

This Star Won't Go Out by Esther Earl, et al. Nonfiction book being a collection of letters, journals, and memories of Esther Earl, a teenager who died from thyroid cancer.

All of these will be reviewed on my book review blog in the coming month.