All That Can Happen

I was just sitting here on my couch, playing games and generally wasting time, when I started thinking about where I was last year. And I realized how much can change in 364 days--and how much can stay the same. In one way last June seemed a lifetime ago, and yet it also seems like it all just happened last week.

This time last June I was on my first solo vacation to Prince Edward Island. Everything seemed to be going pretty well. I had a job I loved, though only part time, but it would work while I was finding a more full time position. I had enough money to go on vacation which had never happened to me before. My roommate and I were getting along great. Everything seemed to be just as it should be.

Fast forward to today. I have 8 days in the next three weeks at my job, with, as of this post, no job lined up yet. I had gone through the whole process of applying for a graduate school with that ending with a rejection letter. Still loving M and living with her. And I am more confident--I mean I'm still shy, introverted, and a bit awkward, but I finally got some help with stuff going on with me and I feel better about myself and others around me. I've made some good memories this last year: becoming an aunt in July, going to my first con in April.

Life is really just a series of ups and downs. Okay, yes, so I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life at the moment, but while I've only been working three days a week I've been able to write a lot more (though I'm in the middle of a writer's block on my novel right now, but you know, it happens). My niece might be two states away, but I've got FaceTime to talk to her with. I was talking to someone in our ward a couple of weeks ago, we'll call him Trendsetter, and I mentioned a little bit about not getting into grad school and me losing my job. I'm pretty sure Trendsetter is one of those people who always sees the positive and he said, "So, you could do anything? That's really exciting."

At the moment, my brain was screaming out in anxiety, "No, it's really not!" When faced with everything, all I want is a narrower choice. When faced with everything, how can you even make a choice? Pretty sure I'm not the kind of person my friends and family would call "adventurous." I don't do things very spontaneously. I like to have some sort of plan. But, I guess, in a way . . . it is a little exciting. This past year I've had the opportunity to think over what it is I want to do--career wise mostly. Do I want to stay in editing, or do something else? What is it that I'm really passionate about? How do I want to spend up to 40 hours of my week? It's hard, and sometimes I feel even more confused than I ever had before, and sometimes I feel like I've made a decision only to have it change the next.

All in all, nothing is horrible or hopeless. I have my health, I have my family, and I have my faith. With those three things, I know I'll be okay.

Dreamland and Other News

These past two weeks I have been having some weird dreams. Have you ever had a series of dreams that are all related to each other? That even take place in the same "dreamland"? The majority of my dreams always did seem to take place in the same world my brain created, but not it has shifted to something much worse.

School.

Yes, I have been having school dreams. The school is a strange amalgam (sidebar: I love that word and try to use it whenever I can) of my high school and BYU. And for some reason I am taking art and math classes. But I can never find my classes, and I've forgotten my schedule, don't know my locker number or combination, and then there are all these people from high school or TV shows/movies I watch. Basically, they aren't the most comfortable of dreams.

Anyway, in other news.

I've decided to take the GRE. I'm looking into grad schools, but I haven't really decided if that's what I should do, but since the GRE lasts for a few years, I decided I should take it, and maybe even apply to a program or two and see what happens.

This has been about 6 months in coming. I received news that I would need to find a new job by the end of the year, which was heartbreaking but at the same time I knew that it is best for me. I'd been feeling for a while that I should start looking for a new job, but something would happen, and I would just brush the feeling away. But, here's the thing, Heavenly Father doesn't give up. In a way, I feel that everything that led up to me having to be let go (which no one really wanted that, but things happen and departments need to downsize) was really just God being like "Okay, Whitney, you wouldn't listen to me before, so now I'm forcing you into it. It's really for your own good." There was definitely some comfort in that, until I started looking for a job.

At first it seemed that I had a lot of options. I even applied for a great, entry-level position. But I kept getting turned down because other applicants had more experience and higher education. Which kind of got me started thinking about going back to school. And now I'm only coming across part-time jobs, even though I've broadened my search terms. The only thing I know is that I want to work with books, in some way or another; they are my passion.

This past week or two I've been thinking more and more about getting my MFA. Maybe it's because of these school dreams I've been having, or maybe because Roommate M has decided to go to grad school, but whatever it is, it's a different path I'm looking down. I feel as though the paths are dark and winding, and I have no idea of which I should go down or where they will lead. But maybe opening myself up to going down different paths, one will become more clear.

Growing up I never thought I would get my master's. That was back in the days when I thought I would be married at 21 and be having kids. My senior year of college, that thought changed. I found out about a creative writing MFA, and I became really interested in doing that. But even then I thought that I would do it once I had a job (hopefully one that would help pay for it), or maybe even years down the road. To be thinking about it at this stage in life is not what I was expecting, even though I know I should stop expecting things to happen when I think they should.

The good news is that my work has decided to keep me on (with reduced hours) until next June, or I find a job. I'm so grateful for them to be willing to help me and give me a lot of time to find something. They have even been working with me to sharpen my skills by giving me different tasks, and telling me about any job opportunities they know of. General Minion, my mentor, has even offered to help me on the GRE, and listens to me when I get down because I can't find a job. She was the one who proposed keeping me on for another 6 months, and she has sent me job listings I qualify for. It's been stressful, and it's been hard, and sometimes it makes me wonder about my talents and whether or not I have what it takes, but there are so many people in my life who are there to support me and to give me encouragement. Everyone goes through this at least once, right? It's just my turn and I know things will be better for it--if only I knew when!

Sisyphus, Part 2

Years ago, I wrote a blog post about how I felt like I was Sisyphus. That I was constantly pushing my rock up a mountain, only to have it fall down again--thinking that I was making progress and then something happening that made it feel like I was taking a major step backwards. In my pessimism, I thought that people didn't even think I was trying, that they saw me at the bottom of my mountain with the rock there, and they thought I was lazy.

And this might be true for some people. But I have learned this past week that there are people who think that I am strong. And that I'm brave. Even when I feel weak and cowardly. Because I keep trying. I keep pushing that rock. And sometimes I slip backwards, and sometimes it seems like I end up at the bottom again, but they know that I can do it, and that I'm trying, and they cheer me on and give me support.

And today, I'm really thankful for those people in my life.

12 for 2012

Instead of a "Christmas Letter" this year, I decided to do a year in review. For each month I'll recount something exciting or different that happened to me, as well as a book from that month! Cuz that's that way I roll!

January
I started the 8-week experiment! It was an interesting peek into what my future as a wife will be. ;)
Book: Austenland by Shannon Hale (this was a reread)

February
I drove into Salt Lake City for the first time, which made me so nervous, which is funny to think about because I do it everyday now and it's no big deal.
Book: A Town Like Alice by Nevil Shute

March
I went to see Vocal Point live for the first time! Great night out with the fam!
Book: Everneath by Brodie Ashton (Utah author! Support local artists! [Unless you aren't from Utah, then she isn't a local artist, but you should support local artists wherever you are. And still feel free to read this book.])

April
I went to the Oquirrh Mountain Utah Temple! It was great to have my entire family there with me.
Book: The Fault in Our Stars by John Greene

May
My friend Michael Ann did a craft month and I did it along with her! It taught me that I can be crafty.
Book: Persuasion by Jane Austen (I was grinning like a fool on the train while reading the ending to this!)

June
The JSP asked me to stay on part-time!
Book: Shane by Jack Schaefer (my first western!)

July
I bought my first car! His name is Perry.
Book: Bellfield Hall, or, the Observations of Miss Dido Kent by Anna Dean

August
I took Perry and bro and we headed down to California for a week to visit the sis and bro-in-law. Great vacation! I got to go to San Francisco, which was definitely a highlight.
Book: The Sweetgum Knit Lit Society by Beth Patillo

September
I did a no spend month in September. It was a good exercise in self control! I should do it more often.
Book: I am the Messenger by Markus Zusak

October
I had a pretty rockin' Halloween costume!
Book: Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (my Banned Books Week book this year)

November
I moved out of my parents' basement! That was HUGE! Probably the hugest thing I've done in the past two years!
Book: I started rereading the Tortall books by Tamora Pierce (Song of the Lioness quartet, The Immortals quartet, Protector of the Small quartet, and the two Trickster books).

December
I can't think of anything really huge happening this month, except Christmas!
Book: I'm very excited to get Princess of the Silver Wood by Jessica Day George. It's her new book in the Twelve Dancing Princesses series and this one is supposed to be better than the second (Seriously, read the first book, Princess of the Midnight Ball--it's AMAZING!)

It's the Little Things

Today was a great day! And you know what made it so fantastic? The small things that happened today.

Small Thing #1: Getting European Chocolate

A coworker spent the last week in Rome (was I jealous? Oh, just a lot.) and just came back to work today. Besides being able to hear about wonderful Rome, she brought a Kinder Bueno bar for me and the rest of us! I LOVE Bueno bars!

Small Thing #2: Talking to Cute Little Kids

As I walked off the elevator on my way out the door to go home this afternoon, I saw two little red-headed boys (they looked like twins) standing on the other side of the security gates. As I beeped myself through, I saw them shaking their hands in the air. "We've got magic in our hands," one of them says to me. "Do you?" I reply. "What are you doing with the magic?" One little boy touches the metal of the security gates, "When we touch this, it opens!" The security guard had been playing with them by opening the gates when they touched them! They were so adorable, I just had to smile!

Small Thing #3: Reading the Same Book as Someone Else

While I wait for my second train to come (I have to transfer), I usually sit on a planter, reading and swinging my legs like a little girl. It's the start of me being able to block out the rest of the world and relax from the work day a little bit. I had pulled my hood over my head, my scarf over my nose, and sat hunched up against the cold and curled toward my book. I don't usually pay attention to others around me, just the trains as they go by so I don't miss mine. Today, a woman came up next to me and got a book out of her bag. Then, she leans forward and says, "I thought so! We're reading the same book!" I look up and she shows me her cover. Sure enough, it read The Hero and the Crown by Robin McKinley. "That doesn't happen often, does it? And it's an older book; my favorite!" Though I didn't say anything, just smiled, and we went back to reading our books, it was kind of like we had this little thing that connected us. It's nice to feel connected to other people. Sometimes.

Small Thing #4: Seeing Your Name in a Multinational Magazine

When I got home to an empty house (everyone else was at the temple), I walked in to find a big white envelope with my name on it from the LDS Church Magazines. Confused, I turn it over, run my finger under the flap and open it up. Inside was a magazine. I thought maybe it was the New Era, because of the three articles I had it in this month. But when I pulled it out, to my surprise it was the Liahona, the Church's multinational magazine. Still confused, but on my way to being excited, I opened up to the contents pages and look frantically for my name. And there it was: Whitney Hinckley!! Two of my articles had made it into the magazine! A magazine that is translated into tons of different languages and shipped all over the world! Full of excitement, I started hopping up and down and saying "Oh! Oh! Oh!" and turning around, looking for someone to share it with! But no one was home, so I raced downstairs, posted it on Facebook and then proceeded to put my energy to good use by have an impromptu dance party while making dinner. This dance party included songs like "Something That I Want" from Tangled, "Under the Sea" from The Little Mermaid, "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstell, "Down" by Jay Sean, "Get Back" by Demi Lovato, "What Dreams are Made of" from The Lizzie Maguire Movie, and, when I needed some cooling down, "Holiday" by the Kinks. I let my hair down (literally, I took my hair out of the braid I had it in), and may or may not have down some hand banging, jumping up and down, and singing as loud as I can (there was no one else home, remember?). I went crazier than I have in a while and it felt good.

I am so grateful for the little things that make life so great!

A Week of Giving Thanks, pt. 1: Family

Since it is Thanksgiving, and I've been having a bit of a hard time lately, I decided to post everyday this week about something I'm thankful for.

This most important thing in my life that I have to be thankful for is my family. I feel like I post a lot about how much I love them and how amazing they are, but it's just because it is all true. Without the family I have, I wouldn't be the person I am right now.

My parents. Both my parents instilled in me at a young age several basic parts of my being that have made my life beautiful and successful. The first of these is my religion and love of God. If I didn't have the Gospel in my life, I think that I would probably never leave my bed. Knowing that there is so much more out there than just a life that you live until you die is so comforting to me. Knowing that there is a Father in Heaven that wants me to be successful and who loves me keeps me going.

The second basic part is love of education. I am graduating from college next month, and I know that I couldn't have gotten there without my parents. Not only did they let me know how important getting a degree was, but they showed me by their example. Both of my parents have their Master's degrees. And it isn't just education, but learning continually throughout life. How many random things have I learned about on my own just because I wanted to? It's almost impossible to say, but I know it is because I was taught that I can keep learning and that it doesn't have to be restricted to the classroom.

They also taught us all about the importance of family. I count my parents among my best friends, which is really good when I just need someone to talk to about something going on in my life.

My sister. Every girl should have a sister. I was lucky and got a big sister. What is so great is that I can talk to her about things that I am going through that she has had to go through too. Our lives aren't parallels of the others, but there are similar circumstances that we have both had to deal with and it is nice to talk to someone who has already been there. There are just somethings that you don't want to talk to your parents about no matter how good of friends you might be with them. That is where a sister comes in handy.

My brother. Just as every girl should have a sister, every girl should have a brother. He is a protector, and a friend. He is a rock that I can lean against when things get hard in life. A sturdy figure in life. He has problems too and I think it is great that he wants to talk to his dorky little sister about it all. He is an example to me, and I know that he is an example to his companions, the members, and the people he is teaching in the Dominican Republic.

My bro-in-law. I remember a time from my freshman year. I had just gotten my UTA bus pass, but I didn't know how to ride the bus. Frankly, riding public transportation scared me. My bro-in-law was so nice and rode the bus with me. He told me what I needed to know and helped me feel confident about using the UTA system. That's just the kind of guy my bro-in law is.

I love them all, and am so grateful to have them in my life. Thanks for loving me unconditionally and being there for me for now and forever.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Today I said goodbye to my brother for two years. He'll be serving in the Dominican Republic, Santiago mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I think I understand what Juliet meant now--it's a good thing for him to be gone, but it's sad, too. My big brother is gone, for the first time in my life.

Love you big bro, and so proud.

Prayers Work!

Biggest relief of my life! I thought my hard drive crashed (again), but it hadn't! I got to Cougar Computer and it looked like everything was working fine, whereas last night nothing had been working!

Yay!